Single parenting sucks.
Having to work full time and be a single parent sucks.
Having to allow someone else to raise my child so I can earn enough money to raise my child SUCKS.
That being said, I am grateful I have a job and I am very grateful that the person caring for my daughter is my mom.
But, it still sucks.
Sunday, August 17, 2014
Tuesday, August 12, 2014
Suicide, Depression and Other Painful Shit
As everyone now knows, Robin Williams committed suicide yesterday. It's a horrible tragedy, and one that made the front page because everyone knows who he is. But, the real tragedy is that it happens every day. To young and old and middle aged, from all cultures and socio-economic levels. Suicide is ugly and brutal and violent and hurts everyone around the one who has died. And we don't like to talk about it. It takes the death of someone well known and well loved to bring it to the fore. And yes, everyone is blogging about it now or posting on FB. Facebook may have its cons (many, in fact) but one of the things I love about it is the fact that issues get discussed. One of the cons, of course, is the amount of misinformation that is spread, and the nastiness that seems to come out of people, but I think the overall is a net good.
Here's what is pissing me off about some of the commentary, though. According to many, Robin Williams made the choice to end his life. He had agency, he didn't have to do it. I respectfully disagree. Unless you have been there, unless you are in his shoes and know what demons he was battling, you DO NOT GET TO MAKE THAT CALL. Unless you have been in that deep black hole, that merciless pit of blankness and numbness and soul sucking ugliness, for an extended period of time, like YOUR WHOLE LIFE, you do not get to make judgments. In fact, even if you have been there and you came out alive? You still don't get to. Because you came out alive.
I have experienced a certain level of this depression. In my late teens, as a sophomore and junior in college, I experienced the deep, black pit. It was partly circumstances, partly my clinical depression. But I was there. I was in that thick, putrefying sludge. It's like quicksand and you can't pull yourself out and no one can pull you out. Your only hope, if you have ANY hope at all, is that you have the strength to cling to whatever lifeline you may have for as long as you can in the hope that a flood will come and wash the quicksand away from you, before your strength gives out and you are sucked down and suffocated. That's all you can do. Hold on and WAIT. I was fortunate, blessed, lucky, whatever you may call it, because I had a few lifelines. There was one in particular who would not let me go. I've lost contact with him and I doubt he knows what he did for me, but he is absolutely one of the reasons I never did it.
I am...lucky? in that I did not have to wait overlong. For me, it only lasted about a year. There were days when only my nose was above the quicksand and all I was doing was breathing. And there were days when the quicksand receded somewhat and I could enjoy the scenery around me.
I am fortunate in that my medication is very effective at keeping my depression and anxiety under control, that I have learned coping techniques for my depression, that I have family that isn't afraid to acknowledge mental illness and talk about, that I have friends and family who experience it as well, so I am not alone.
And I am fortunate that my depression is not as severe as some. I was only in the quicksand for a year or so. It has happened a couple of times, and each time I managed to hang on until it was washed away. For whatever reason, support, shorter time frame, different temperament, I hung on. I can imagine what might have happened had it lasted longer. It is extremely unlikely that I could have hung on. For those who live long term with this, my heart goes out to you. The alternating pain and numbness is agonizing, snd it isn't just mental or emotional pain. Depression manifests itself as physical pain as well, in many different forms, and, it can be unbearable. Literally, unbearable.
Suicide is not a choice someone makes in the way you make other choices. When someone is contemplating suicide, they are not capable of making a rational or coherent decision. They think that they are, because depression is a liar. The person suffering from depression is not unable to see the beauty in the world around them, it is that they think that beauty is not for them, because depression tells you it isn't for you, but depression is a liar. Depressed people are not unaware that their death may cause others momentary pain, but they believe that they darken the beauty of the world for those around them, so that long term, those people are better off without them. And this is reinforced by the fact that when you are depressed, many of your friends leave you. But, depression is a liar. And even those who left you are hurt and saddened by the loss, should you take your own life.
Depression is a liar. It will tell you that taking your life in a violent way will serve those right who abandoned you or hurt you. It will tell you that suicide will make those around you understand the hurt and pain and anger and horror you face daily, even if they only feel it for a short time, though they will feel it for the rest of their lives. It is insidious and horrifying and robs you of joy. And it is a liar.
Do not judge those who commit suicide. You cannot know the pain they have walked through. They are not weak. They have been stronger than you can imagine for longer than you can imagine. Just be there for them. Hold on to them for all they and you are worth. They will push you away, try not to go. Do what you can, whatever you can, and then do not blame yourself if your loved one succumbs to the illness.
To those of you hanging on for dear life, you are loved. You are deeply, sincerely loved. Your loss would leave a gaping hole in the hearts of those around you. Your loss would mean the loss of much good in the world. Your darkness may indeed add shadow to the lives of those around you, but shadow makes the light brighter, you add depth. You are needed and wanted, more than you can possibly imagine.
Here's what is pissing me off about some of the commentary, though. According to many, Robin Williams made the choice to end his life. He had agency, he didn't have to do it. I respectfully disagree. Unless you have been there, unless you are in his shoes and know what demons he was battling, you DO NOT GET TO MAKE THAT CALL. Unless you have been in that deep black hole, that merciless pit of blankness and numbness and soul sucking ugliness, for an extended period of time, like YOUR WHOLE LIFE, you do not get to make judgments. In fact, even if you have been there and you came out alive? You still don't get to. Because you came out alive.
I have experienced a certain level of this depression. In my late teens, as a sophomore and junior in college, I experienced the deep, black pit. It was partly circumstances, partly my clinical depression. But I was there. I was in that thick, putrefying sludge. It's like quicksand and you can't pull yourself out and no one can pull you out. Your only hope, if you have ANY hope at all, is that you have the strength to cling to whatever lifeline you may have for as long as you can in the hope that a flood will come and wash the quicksand away from you, before your strength gives out and you are sucked down and suffocated. That's all you can do. Hold on and WAIT. I was fortunate, blessed, lucky, whatever you may call it, because I had a few lifelines. There was one in particular who would not let me go. I've lost contact with him and I doubt he knows what he did for me, but he is absolutely one of the reasons I never did it.
I am...lucky? in that I did not have to wait overlong. For me, it only lasted about a year. There were days when only my nose was above the quicksand and all I was doing was breathing. And there were days when the quicksand receded somewhat and I could enjoy the scenery around me.
I am fortunate in that my medication is very effective at keeping my depression and anxiety under control, that I have learned coping techniques for my depression, that I have family that isn't afraid to acknowledge mental illness and talk about, that I have friends and family who experience it as well, so I am not alone.
And I am fortunate that my depression is not as severe as some. I was only in the quicksand for a year or so. It has happened a couple of times, and each time I managed to hang on until it was washed away. For whatever reason, support, shorter time frame, different temperament, I hung on. I can imagine what might have happened had it lasted longer. It is extremely unlikely that I could have hung on. For those who live long term with this, my heart goes out to you. The alternating pain and numbness is agonizing, snd it isn't just mental or emotional pain. Depression manifests itself as physical pain as well, in many different forms, and, it can be unbearable. Literally, unbearable.
Suicide is not a choice someone makes in the way you make other choices. When someone is contemplating suicide, they are not capable of making a rational or coherent decision. They think that they are, because depression is a liar. The person suffering from depression is not unable to see the beauty in the world around them, it is that they think that beauty is not for them, because depression tells you it isn't for you, but depression is a liar. Depressed people are not unaware that their death may cause others momentary pain, but they believe that they darken the beauty of the world for those around them, so that long term, those people are better off without them. And this is reinforced by the fact that when you are depressed, many of your friends leave you. But, depression is a liar. And even those who left you are hurt and saddened by the loss, should you take your own life.
Depression is a liar. It will tell you that taking your life in a violent way will serve those right who abandoned you or hurt you. It will tell you that suicide will make those around you understand the hurt and pain and anger and horror you face daily, even if they only feel it for a short time, though they will feel it for the rest of their lives. It is insidious and horrifying and robs you of joy. And it is a liar.
Do not judge those who commit suicide. You cannot know the pain they have walked through. They are not weak. They have been stronger than you can imagine for longer than you can imagine. Just be there for them. Hold on to them for all they and you are worth. They will push you away, try not to go. Do what you can, whatever you can, and then do not blame yourself if your loved one succumbs to the illness.
To those of you hanging on for dear life, you are loved. You are deeply, sincerely loved. Your loss would leave a gaping hole in the hearts of those around you. Your loss would mean the loss of much good in the world. Your darkness may indeed add shadow to the lives of those around you, but shadow makes the light brighter, you add depth. You are needed and wanted, more than you can possibly imagine.
Wednesday, July 16, 2014
BUSY
So, it's been a crazy busy couple of months. Last week finished up one of the most enjoyable projects/jobs I have ever worked on. But, man, was it time consuming. One week, toward the end, I worked 70 hours. I was hammered, but it was worth it.
What was the project? A TV show pilot. Just one episode, commissioned by AMC and directed and produced by none other than the lovely and amazing Greg Nicotero. For those of you who don't know who he is, he is an SFX makeup artist who transitioned into directing and producing and is now famous due to his other show on AMC. You may have heard of it, it's a little zombie show called The Walking Dead. ;)
Anyway, 7 weeks ago, I got a call from a friend asking if I was interested in being a cutter/draper/workroom supervisor for the show. I said I was willing to interview, so I went down and met with the designer. 7 weeks and 1000 or so costume pieces later and here we are. We built nearly everything from scratch, because the show is set in a post-apocalyptic future society, so no stores, etc, for storebought clothing.
The show is called Galyntine, I don't know if the pilot will ever air, it depends on whether or not AMC picks the series up. But, whether they do or not, it was a FANTASTIC experience, I made pretty good money for a short amount of time, learned a lot, met some really great people and had a wonderful time. So, all told, WIN.
Aside from that, it's pretty much the same old, same old. My house is messy and a million degrees, The Small Daughter keeps getting taller and I occasionally go out and have fun.`
What was the project? A TV show pilot. Just one episode, commissioned by AMC and directed and produced by none other than the lovely and amazing Greg Nicotero. For those of you who don't know who he is, he is an SFX makeup artist who transitioned into directing and producing and is now famous due to his other show on AMC. You may have heard of it, it's a little zombie show called The Walking Dead. ;)
Anyway, 7 weeks ago, I got a call from a friend asking if I was interested in being a cutter/draper/workroom supervisor for the show. I said I was willing to interview, so I went down and met with the designer. 7 weeks and 1000 or so costume pieces later and here we are. We built nearly everything from scratch, because the show is set in a post-apocalyptic future society, so no stores, etc, for storebought clothing.
The show is called Galyntine, I don't know if the pilot will ever air, it depends on whether or not AMC picks the series up. But, whether they do or not, it was a FANTASTIC experience, I made pretty good money for a short amount of time, learned a lot, met some really great people and had a wonderful time. So, all told, WIN.
Aside from that, it's pretty much the same old, same old. My house is messy and a million degrees, The Small Daughter keeps getting taller and I occasionally go out and have fun.`
Tuesday, June 24, 2014
Sadness
This is not one of my better posts, it's very stream of thought and I've written so many versions of it over the past couple of weeks. I have so many thoughts on this issue right now and I've had a few people ask me why I haven't written much about the recent goings on in the LDS Church. There are various reasons, among them fear, sadness, anger and above all, bewilderment.
No, I'm not bewildered that Kate Kelly was excommunicated from the church. That was a foregone conclusion. I am bewildered by the reaction. I am bewildered by the lack of knowledge about our history and our doctrine. I am bewildered by people who think that cultural Mormonism is the same as doctrine. I am bewildered by the divide that has resulted from it. I am bewildered by the lack of kindness from both sides about it, but most particularly by the hate from those who oppose her stance. I am still trying to process my reaction to her excommunication. I am saddened by it. Very saddened and very disappointed that it happened.
For those among you who are curious, no, I am not a member of Ordain Women. I don't agree with everything Kate Kelly says and I don't necessarily agree with her methods. But, I think she is a brave and strong woman. I admire her guts, and I am grateful for the conversations she started.
But yes, I am sad and disappointed. Every time I read a comment that said "Good riddance", or something similar, it struck home. Is that what would be said about me?
Every comment saying "You can't change doctrine, God never changes" I wanted to cringe. No, God never changes, but the LDS Church changes constantly. Look back at our history, there are so many examples. The two most glaring? The ending of polygamy and black men being allowed to hold the priesthood. For whatever reason you choose to believe that changed, change it did.
Every "Why doesn't she go start her own church, then?" And, "If you don't like it the way it is, leave." makes me die a little. Kate Kelly and like minded women can't leave and go start their own church. They (we)(I) believe in the Gospel. I believe that the prophet is called of God to lead this church. I also believe that God "will yet reveal many great and important things pertaining to the kingdom of God". I believe that we must ask for the things we righteously desire. I also believe that not one of us knows Kate Kelly's heart and therefore CANNOT say that she did it out of pride and desire for power. YOU DON'T KNOW THAT. Do not be so quick to judge. I choose to believe Kate did what she did for the reasons SHE stated. Would you like to know what they are? Read what she said, not what you heard from your friend or read on KSL or whatever.
I struggle with the thought that, by virtue of my gender alone, I cannot have the priesthood in my home. I am a single mother, there are no males, worthy or otherwise living in my household, so there is no priesthood residing here. I was told by a man yesterday that I don't need to hold the priesthood, I have access to it whenever I want it. This is not true. I have access to it when it is convenient for whichever priesthood holder I may call in my time of need. In the middle of the night, with a sick child, I do not have the access to it that a priesthood holder has. Yes, I can pray, but I cannot give my daughter a blessing. Fortunately for me, I believe that my prayers are just as effective.
I was also told that women have motherhood, men have the priesthood. This does not correlate. Women have (potential) motherhood, the corollary to that is that men have (potential) fatherhood. Children have a mother and a father, not a mother and a priest. I fail to see the logic in this rhetoric.
The other justification floating around is that women are more holy, more angelic. Men need the priesthood to make them closer to what women are naturally. I don't think this is true. Men and women are equally capable. It's a social construct that men are less holy than women, and it doesn't do men or women any good to buy into that. If men are less attuned to God than women, why is a man leading the church?
When I hear, "I haven't encountered any sexism, it doesn't exist." or "I've never been treated like or made to feel like a second class citizen", it kills me a little. How glad I am for you that you have not encountered it. Your experience does not negate my own, nor that of many, many other women in the church. Sexism, benevolent or otherwise, does exist, whether you have encountered it or not.
Are we not one? Are we not commanded to mourn with those that mourn? Or, love one another as I have loved you? I confess, I haven't felt like loving some of my fellow church members, lately. And, I have been gently and kindly called to repentance by a few of my very loving friends. Not directly, mind you, but indirectly, courtesy of some very Christlike things they said.
Currently, no, we are not one. We are deeply divided and there are many among us who feel like we are, to put it kindly, being "invited" to leave. Everytime someone says, if you don't like things the way they are, leave, they are saying it to me. Is that what I should do? Leave? Can I not hope for change? Can I not sit amongst my people and want things to be even better? To work to make things better? Please stop trying to drive me out.
We are not perfect, my friends. Not you, not me. I sin and so do you. We should not rejoice when someone is excommunicated. We should not be pleased that another soul has had to leave our fold. We should not be pleased that many others are leaving the church as a result of what has happened. It is not "Good riddance." We are not made better by their absence. We are made weaker, so much weaker. Diversity of thought strengthens a group, unless we let it divide us, as we have.
I am saddened because I know there are many other women who will now be afraid to speak out about injustice. I am hurt that a group of women in our fold have been silenced. I am determined to not be one of them. God loves me and He loves you and, yes, He loves Kate Kelly. I think perhaps we all ought to do the same. I will try harder to understand those who think differently from me. Love goes a long way toward healing a hurt, crossing a divide. I only hope my faith is strong enough to see this through.
No, I'm not bewildered that Kate Kelly was excommunicated from the church. That was a foregone conclusion. I am bewildered by the reaction. I am bewildered by the lack of knowledge about our history and our doctrine. I am bewildered by people who think that cultural Mormonism is the same as doctrine. I am bewildered by the divide that has resulted from it. I am bewildered by the lack of kindness from both sides about it, but most particularly by the hate from those who oppose her stance. I am still trying to process my reaction to her excommunication. I am saddened by it. Very saddened and very disappointed that it happened.
For those among you who are curious, no, I am not a member of Ordain Women. I don't agree with everything Kate Kelly says and I don't necessarily agree with her methods. But, I think she is a brave and strong woman. I admire her guts, and I am grateful for the conversations she started.
But yes, I am sad and disappointed. Every time I read a comment that said "Good riddance", or something similar, it struck home. Is that what would be said about me?
Every comment saying "You can't change doctrine, God never changes" I wanted to cringe. No, God never changes, but the LDS Church changes constantly. Look back at our history, there are so many examples. The two most glaring? The ending of polygamy and black men being allowed to hold the priesthood. For whatever reason you choose to believe that changed, change it did.
Every "Why doesn't she go start her own church, then?" And, "If you don't like it the way it is, leave." makes me die a little. Kate Kelly and like minded women can't leave and go start their own church. They (we)(I) believe in the Gospel. I believe that the prophet is called of God to lead this church. I also believe that God "will yet reveal many great and important things pertaining to the kingdom of God". I believe that we must ask for the things we righteously desire. I also believe that not one of us knows Kate Kelly's heart and therefore CANNOT say that she did it out of pride and desire for power. YOU DON'T KNOW THAT. Do not be so quick to judge. I choose to believe Kate did what she did for the reasons SHE stated. Would you like to know what they are? Read what she said, not what you heard from your friend or read on KSL or whatever.
I struggle with the thought that, by virtue of my gender alone, I cannot have the priesthood in my home. I am a single mother, there are no males, worthy or otherwise living in my household, so there is no priesthood residing here. I was told by a man yesterday that I don't need to hold the priesthood, I have access to it whenever I want it. This is not true. I have access to it when it is convenient for whichever priesthood holder I may call in my time of need. In the middle of the night, with a sick child, I do not have the access to it that a priesthood holder has. Yes, I can pray, but I cannot give my daughter a blessing. Fortunately for me, I believe that my prayers are just as effective.
I was also told that women have motherhood, men have the priesthood. This does not correlate. Women have (potential) motherhood, the corollary to that is that men have (potential) fatherhood. Children have a mother and a father, not a mother and a priest. I fail to see the logic in this rhetoric.
The other justification floating around is that women are more holy, more angelic. Men need the priesthood to make them closer to what women are naturally. I don't think this is true. Men and women are equally capable. It's a social construct that men are less holy than women, and it doesn't do men or women any good to buy into that. If men are less attuned to God than women, why is a man leading the church?
When I hear, "I haven't encountered any sexism, it doesn't exist." or "I've never been treated like or made to feel like a second class citizen", it kills me a little. How glad I am for you that you have not encountered it. Your experience does not negate my own, nor that of many, many other women in the church. Sexism, benevolent or otherwise, does exist, whether you have encountered it or not.
Are we not one? Are we not commanded to mourn with those that mourn? Or, love one another as I have loved you? I confess, I haven't felt like loving some of my fellow church members, lately. And, I have been gently and kindly called to repentance by a few of my very loving friends. Not directly, mind you, but indirectly, courtesy of some very Christlike things they said.
Currently, no, we are not one. We are deeply divided and there are many among us who feel like we are, to put it kindly, being "invited" to leave. Everytime someone says, if you don't like things the way they are, leave, they are saying it to me. Is that what I should do? Leave? Can I not hope for change? Can I not sit amongst my people and want things to be even better? To work to make things better? Please stop trying to drive me out.
We are not perfect, my friends. Not you, not me. I sin and so do you. We should not rejoice when someone is excommunicated. We should not be pleased that another soul has had to leave our fold. We should not be pleased that many others are leaving the church as a result of what has happened. It is not "Good riddance." We are not made better by their absence. We are made weaker, so much weaker. Diversity of thought strengthens a group, unless we let it divide us, as we have.
I am saddened because I know there are many other women who will now be afraid to speak out about injustice. I am hurt that a group of women in our fold have been silenced. I am determined to not be one of them. God loves me and He loves you and, yes, He loves Kate Kelly. I think perhaps we all ought to do the same. I will try harder to understand those who think differently from me. Love goes a long way toward healing a hurt, crossing a divide. I only hope my faith is strong enough to see this through.
Wednesday, June 11, 2014
Heartbroken
I wanted to write a thoughtful post about the pending excommunication of Kate Kelly. But, I can't. I am heartbroken that she may lose her membership in the LDS Church. But, I am even more heartbroken by the reaction of many of her fellow Mormons. The cruelty, the vitriol, the attitude of good riddance toward her and John Dehlin are painful. They accuse Kate and John of apostasy, of leading others into apostasy. What they don't realize is that their attitude drives many from the church. I don't understand how this is any different. I think it might be worse.
Here, instead, is a very thoughtful blog post-
A wound to the body of Christ.
Here, instead, is a very thoughtful blog post-
A wound to the body of Christ.
Sunday, June 8, 2014
I can't corral my mind enough to write a post lately. I've 4 drafts sitting in my post files, but none of them are publishable because they wander off all over the place. I am not profound or interesting, lately.
I find that all I do is work and wait for the weekend. For what? I am treading water right now, I think, and treading water gets you nowhere and makes you tired. I need to figure out what I want, for real. And then I need to go after it. I was like that once, before my world turned upside down. I was that girl. I think...hope...that that girl is still in there, still part of me. I must find her and dig her out. I miss my focus, my solid purpose, my drive to get where I wanted and needed to be. I've been struggling to keep my head above water for nearly a year now and no one is coming to rescue me. It's time to swim.
I find that all I do is work and wait for the weekend. For what? I am treading water right now, I think, and treading water gets you nowhere and makes you tired. I need to figure out what I want, for real. And then I need to go after it. I was like that once, before my world turned upside down. I was that girl. I think...hope...that that girl is still in there, still part of me. I must find her and dig her out. I miss my focus, my solid purpose, my drive to get where I wanted and needed to be. I've been struggling to keep my head above water for nearly a year now and no one is coming to rescue me. It's time to swim.
Sunday, June 1, 2014
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
