I went out with a friend and former lover last night. We had a lovely dinner, went to the symphony...and talked...and talked...and talked. Until 3 in the morning. It was delightful, soul filling, aggravating and raw. I love that kind of thing. I love rawness and openness and honesty in relationships. I love those kinds of friends or lovers who see into your soul and not just like what they see there, but crave it. One doesn't come upon them very often, so when they do come along, I have a tendency to grasp them and hang on.
But, it isn't just that they crave what is within you, because that isn't enough. You have to crave them in the same way. There are things about them that hurt you, anger you, make you grit your teeth with frustration. Because that's what these people do, they arouse great passions in you, and you in them. But, the good parts? Oh, they are so good, they are so worth it. Because they do arouse great passion. They hurt you, but they are the balm to your soul. They anger you, but fill you with such joy, they make you grit your teeth in frustration, but provide such satisfaction.
Relationships like this are often rocky, seemingly unstable, but once firmly established, the rockiness provides texture and the instability goes away. Because you know no matter how angry they make you, no matter how they may hurt you (usually inadvertently), you know they love you and you them. You know that your souls belong together and that they will forgive you and you will forgive them and they will love you.
When you have a friend or lover like this, someone who sees into your soul, someone you allow into your inner keep, they have a great capacity to wound and hurt, because by inviting them in, you have handed them a knife, removed your armour, showed them your most vulnerable spots and trusted them to not stab or cut you. But sometimes, they do cut you, though not often on purpose.
I love him because he challenges me. I love him because he makes me rethink what I have thought. I love him because he loves humanity. I love him because he is raw and honest and broken, but he continues to love. I love him because he makes me more me, by virtue of being him.
I love him because he is my friend.
Saturday, October 25, 2014
Thursday, October 16, 2014
WHAT IN THE HELL
Death threats and feminism
I have nothing really to add to this post except that I am utterly and completely flabbergasted. It came up in a group I'm on on Facebook and one member said that Ms. Sarkeesian should consider changing her message if she's getting death threats.
How...what...I HAVE NO WORDS.
Is this the world we want? Where feminists have to cancel speeches because some asshole feels unmanned by her? Guess what, buddy, if all it takes to unman you is a feminist talking, you aren't a man, sorry. You're a worm.
I'm disgusted.
I have nothing really to add to this post except that I am utterly and completely flabbergasted. It came up in a group I'm on on Facebook and one member said that Ms. Sarkeesian should consider changing her message if she's getting death threats.
How...what...I HAVE NO WORDS.
Is this the world we want? Where feminists have to cancel speeches because some asshole feels unmanned by her? Guess what, buddy, if all it takes to unman you is a feminist talking, you aren't a man, sorry. You're a worm.
I'm disgusted.
Sunday, October 5, 2014
What a beautiful day today was. It's the first weekend I haven't had to work in a very long time, it's fall, which is my favourite season and it's General Conference weekend for the LDS Church, which is lovely and edifying (and means no local meetings).
I am the sort of person who can never be satisfied with things the way they are, so, as it was my first free weekend for some time, what do you suppose I did? Rearranged my apartment, of course! Generally, I do this every six months or so, but I've only lived in this place for not quite three. The issue is, when I move into a new place, I set things up in a way I think might work, but after living in it for a bit, I realize that certain bits don't.
The biggest issue this time was space for the Small Daughter. Originally, I had used a hallway that leads to my housemate's part of the house (and is consequently closed off) as her play area. The problem with this is that only one person can fit in to play and she has friends. Because of the small size of the front room, there wasn't really any floor for them to spill out on, plus, goodness are they noisy!
This apartment, though lovely, is small and has only one bedroom, which is sizeable. So, since I currently spend most of my time in the front room rather than the bedroom, I decided to dedicate a corner of it to her play area. It's quite nice. And, it leaves the hallway area for bookshelves, which looks rather better than a vomit of toys.
When I woke this morning, amidst the mess I had made starting this project yesterday, I was feeling quite down. This is primarily because the Small Daughter was at her dad's and I miss her when she is gone. This is not to say that I discourage her from spending time with her dad, on the contrary, I encourage it, she needs it. But, I am lonely when she isn't here. She is a charming companion, even at only 7 years. She is witty and clever, logical, smart and funny. She is not too old nor too big for cuddles and she likes to help me cook and she reads to me and tells me amusing stories. She has her faults, as do we all, but they are far outweighed by her good qualities.
As much as I love my darling girl, I also miss adult companionship. I have good friends at work, but that is work and there is minimal time for talking. I like talking, sharing, discovering with others. I like to learn about things that interest them, I like to debate and learn from them. I like to share what I have and have them share what they have. I like the intimacy of time and care spent with and on others. Well, certain others. Intimacy is only achievable, I think with members of one's own tribe, whether they are born part of one's tribe or choose to join it, they must be "of the race that knows Joseph", to quote L.M. Montgomery. I'm not sure my tribe is very large, I've found some people who are part of it, but mostly they aren't. And the people who are part of it lead their own busy lives.
Wouldn't it be nice to find a member of your tribe who belonged to you? I think that's what really successful marriages are. I'd like that.
I am the sort of person who can never be satisfied with things the way they are, so, as it was my first free weekend for some time, what do you suppose I did? Rearranged my apartment, of course! Generally, I do this every six months or so, but I've only lived in this place for not quite three. The issue is, when I move into a new place, I set things up in a way I think might work, but after living in it for a bit, I realize that certain bits don't.
The biggest issue this time was space for the Small Daughter. Originally, I had used a hallway that leads to my housemate's part of the house (and is consequently closed off) as her play area. The problem with this is that only one person can fit in to play and she has friends. Because of the small size of the front room, there wasn't really any floor for them to spill out on, plus, goodness are they noisy!
This apartment, though lovely, is small and has only one bedroom, which is sizeable. So, since I currently spend most of my time in the front room rather than the bedroom, I decided to dedicate a corner of it to her play area. It's quite nice. And, it leaves the hallway area for bookshelves, which looks rather better than a vomit of toys.
When I woke this morning, amidst the mess I had made starting this project yesterday, I was feeling quite down. This is primarily because the Small Daughter was at her dad's and I miss her when she is gone. This is not to say that I discourage her from spending time with her dad, on the contrary, I encourage it, she needs it. But, I am lonely when she isn't here. She is a charming companion, even at only 7 years. She is witty and clever, logical, smart and funny. She is not too old nor too big for cuddles and she likes to help me cook and she reads to me and tells me amusing stories. She has her faults, as do we all, but they are far outweighed by her good qualities.
As much as I love my darling girl, I also miss adult companionship. I have good friends at work, but that is work and there is minimal time for talking. I like talking, sharing, discovering with others. I like to learn about things that interest them, I like to debate and learn from them. I like to share what I have and have them share what they have. I like the intimacy of time and care spent with and on others. Well, certain others. Intimacy is only achievable, I think with members of one's own tribe, whether they are born part of one's tribe or choose to join it, they must be "of the race that knows Joseph", to quote L.M. Montgomery. I'm not sure my tribe is very large, I've found some people who are part of it, but mostly they aren't. And the people who are part of it lead their own busy lives.
Wouldn't it be nice to find a member of your tribe who belonged to you? I think that's what really successful marriages are. I'd like that.
Sunday, September 28, 2014
It's my life
I'm 40 years old. I'm divorced. I make a good life for my daughter and myself, even if it isn't the life I had intended it to be. I've evolved over the years, becoming less conservative and more of a feminist. I've realized that things I thought were black and white, aren't. That there are shades of grey in life and even in the best people and institutions. I've learned that good intentions aren't sufficient. I've learned that it's really ok, and in fact it's GOOD to question. I've learned that the best thing to do is not worry about the other people's sins, but just to love them. I've learned that I don't like bigotry or sexism, and I've learned that many people don't want to acknowledge that these things exist. I've learned that if someone's actions don't cause harm, they are none of my business. I've learned that people have some crazy ideas about what harm is. Or isn't.
And here's the thing I'm still trying to learn. I only need to let those people that I want in my life. I am under no obligation to allow damaging people to be involved with me, whether they are damaging by intent or otherwise. And so, I am going to clean out my life. If your views are denigrating to mine, you're out. If you open conversation with me and then refuse to listen, you're out. If you feel the need to pat me on my silly woman's head for having issues with the patriarchy, you're out. If you want to tell me that sexism and bigotry and classism don't really exist anymore and it's just me falling prey to the lefty agenda, you're out.
If you don't want to follow the path I'm on, that is absolutely ok with me. You choose your own path, but stop trying to drag me off of mine. Stop trying to convince me that I'm ill informed. If you know me at all, you know that's false. Stop trying to convince me that it's because I don't have enough faith. What I don't have is blind obedience, but then, I'm not supposed to.
If you don't care for me the way I fundamentally am? GO AWAY. I've no intention of changing. I've arrived at this person that I am with a lot of effort, a lot of education, a lot of chasing knowledge and a lot of eye opening experiences. I've still got a lot to learn, I acknowledge this. I still have a lot of work to do, I'm aware. But I really like who I've become and if you don't, I don't want you around me.
And here's the thing I'm still trying to learn. I only need to let those people that I want in my life. I am under no obligation to allow damaging people to be involved with me, whether they are damaging by intent or otherwise. And so, I am going to clean out my life. If your views are denigrating to mine, you're out. If you open conversation with me and then refuse to listen, you're out. If you feel the need to pat me on my silly woman's head for having issues with the patriarchy, you're out. If you want to tell me that sexism and bigotry and classism don't really exist anymore and it's just me falling prey to the lefty agenda, you're out.
If you don't want to follow the path I'm on, that is absolutely ok with me. You choose your own path, but stop trying to drag me off of mine. Stop trying to convince me that I'm ill informed. If you know me at all, you know that's false. Stop trying to convince me that it's because I don't have enough faith. What I don't have is blind obedience, but then, I'm not supposed to.
If you don't care for me the way I fundamentally am? GO AWAY. I've no intention of changing. I've arrived at this person that I am with a lot of effort, a lot of education, a lot of chasing knowledge and a lot of eye opening experiences. I've still got a lot to learn, I acknowledge this. I still have a lot of work to do, I'm aware. But I really like who I've become and if you don't, I don't want you around me.
Wednesday, September 24, 2014
The Opera
So, I work for an opera company, as a cutter/draper, which means it's my responsibility to make the patterns and cut out the costumes for the female characters in the shows.
It's a behind the scenes job, obviously, and unless an audience member really knows what they are looking at, my job doesn't often get noticed. This is as it should be, because as a costumer, my work is not meant to be the focal point of a show, it is meant to support the overall spectacle and concept of the show.
However, once in a while, those of us who are backstage get to show off what we do in a more specific sense.
Right now, we are in the last couple of weeks of the build for Madame Butterfly, an extremely popular Puccini opera. This show is being built completely new. There are approximately 30 people in this particular cast, and with the multiple costumes on some characters, it equals out to around 40 costumes. My particular responsibility includes about 100 pieces, kimonos, under kimonos and obis, as well as myriad smaller bits.
This has been a slightly more difficult build for me than some of the others, because, while I am well versed in period western women's wear, I am not so much in Japanese kimono. This show has required rather more research than I generally have to do. There is a lot of symbolism in kimono and obi, and when one is trying to portray things as accurately as possible (with obvious licence for theatre) one needs to be aware of this symbolism. Not only that, but I know what proportions should be for western women's fashion, I know how much fullness and how much ease is needed or wanted, depending on the period of history I'm doing. I don't have that automatic knowledge about Japanese clothing.
In addition to all of this, we didn't start the show with fabrics ready to cut. Everything had to be painted and dyed before it could be made into kimono. Our crafts technician is amazing and painting/dyeing is her forte. We started with white silk and ended with the most vibrantly beautiful hand painted kimonos we've ever had.
And, as I was saying before, sometimes we get to be in front of the camera (literally and figuratively) to show people just what it is we do. For some reason, this show has been particularly popular, publicity-wise and we have been interviewed by Salt Lake Magazine, Fox 13 News and the Salt Lake Tribune. It's been fun to show off a little, but I think we'll all be happy when we can get back to being backstage, working our magic.
In the meantime, here's a few pics of said magic.
It's a behind the scenes job, obviously, and unless an audience member really knows what they are looking at, my job doesn't often get noticed. This is as it should be, because as a costumer, my work is not meant to be the focal point of a show, it is meant to support the overall spectacle and concept of the show.
However, once in a while, those of us who are backstage get to show off what we do in a more specific sense.
Right now, we are in the last couple of weeks of the build for Madame Butterfly, an extremely popular Puccini opera. This show is being built completely new. There are approximately 30 people in this particular cast, and with the multiple costumes on some characters, it equals out to around 40 costumes. My particular responsibility includes about 100 pieces, kimonos, under kimonos and obis, as well as myriad smaller bits.
This has been a slightly more difficult build for me than some of the others, because, while I am well versed in period western women's wear, I am not so much in Japanese kimono. This show has required rather more research than I generally have to do. There is a lot of symbolism in kimono and obi, and when one is trying to portray things as accurately as possible (with obvious licence for theatre) one needs to be aware of this symbolism. Not only that, but I know what proportions should be for western women's fashion, I know how much fullness and how much ease is needed or wanted, depending on the period of history I'm doing. I don't have that automatic knowledge about Japanese clothing.
In addition to all of this, we didn't start the show with fabrics ready to cut. Everything had to be painted and dyed before it could be made into kimono. Our crafts technician is amazing and painting/dyeing is her forte. We started with white silk and ended with the most vibrantly beautiful hand painted kimonos we've ever had.
And, as I was saying before, sometimes we get to be in front of the camera (literally and figuratively) to show people just what it is we do. For some reason, this show has been particularly popular, publicity-wise and we have been interviewed by Salt Lake Magazine, Fox 13 News and the Salt Lake Tribune. It's been fun to show off a little, but I think we'll all be happy when we can get back to being backstage, working our magic.
In the meantime, here's a few pics of said magic.
Tuesday, September 23, 2014
Cleaning out
Sometimes, you have to just clean out the crap that's dragging you down, whether it's people, or things.
Thursday, September 18, 2014
Workin' hard
So, I've been thinking about what it will take to go back to school and get my nursing degree. On the one hand, it seems like a really good idea. Nursing, then possibly a midwife degree is a really stable career, especially here in Utah, and the pay and benefits are certainly better than what one can make in the arts. I love the arts and it would be so hard to give that up, but raising a child alone isn't easy financially and it will only get more expensive.
On the other hand, when I consider how much work will be involved, it worries me. I have a little daughter. She needs me and my time. Will going to school take too much time away from her? Will I even be able to get into nursing school? What if I don't? I have a year's worth of pre-reqs to do before I can even apply for nursing school and that would mean quitting my job and taking out loans in order to do that, and then if I didn't get into nursing school after that? Then what? I would have a significant amount of money in loans and no way to pay them off. I wouldn't have a job, I wouldn't have a way to support myself or my daughter.
It's scary, y'all. I know I would be a good nurse, I know I would do well in school. Even though my degree is in the arts, I've always had a penchant for science. But, I'm not so young anymore. I don't have any healthcare experience, I already have a degree and I graduated from college the first time nearly 20 years ago. What would possess them to accept me to nursing school? It isn't easy to get in.
Do I dare risk my stable, albeit not well paying job to take out major loans for something that may not work out? It was different when I was young and going to college the first time. Then, I was young and unattached with no obligations except to myself. And being young, I had a hell of a lot more energy than I do now. I worked 2 jobs and went to school full time, paid for my schooling, had a scholarship and didn't take out any loans. That won't be the case this time. If I'm going to nursing school full time, I won't be able to work, because I will be in school all day and I need to be home with my wee lass at night. Well, and I want to be home with her. So, that means loans for tuition and loans for living expenses.
Now, I know how to be poor, I know how to live cheaply, but it isn't easy, and it's very stressful. And I'm looking at 3 years here, at the least, before I'm a nurse, and then two more years if I want to be a midwife.
I don't know. It's discouraging. On the one hand, I really want to do it. It would be nice to have a well paying career, a very stable job, doing something I enjoy doing, helping others and getting paid to do it. On the other hand, it's such a risk, and if it fails, I am screwed. Ugh.
On the other hand, when I consider how much work will be involved, it worries me. I have a little daughter. She needs me and my time. Will going to school take too much time away from her? Will I even be able to get into nursing school? What if I don't? I have a year's worth of pre-reqs to do before I can even apply for nursing school and that would mean quitting my job and taking out loans in order to do that, and then if I didn't get into nursing school after that? Then what? I would have a significant amount of money in loans and no way to pay them off. I wouldn't have a job, I wouldn't have a way to support myself or my daughter.
It's scary, y'all. I know I would be a good nurse, I know I would do well in school. Even though my degree is in the arts, I've always had a penchant for science. But, I'm not so young anymore. I don't have any healthcare experience, I already have a degree and I graduated from college the first time nearly 20 years ago. What would possess them to accept me to nursing school? It isn't easy to get in.
Do I dare risk my stable, albeit not well paying job to take out major loans for something that may not work out? It was different when I was young and going to college the first time. Then, I was young and unattached with no obligations except to myself. And being young, I had a hell of a lot more energy than I do now. I worked 2 jobs and went to school full time, paid for my schooling, had a scholarship and didn't take out any loans. That won't be the case this time. If I'm going to nursing school full time, I won't be able to work, because I will be in school all day and I need to be home with my wee lass at night. Well, and I want to be home with her. So, that means loans for tuition and loans for living expenses.
Now, I know how to be poor, I know how to live cheaply, but it isn't easy, and it's very stressful. And I'm looking at 3 years here, at the least, before I'm a nurse, and then two more years if I want to be a midwife.
I don't know. It's discouraging. On the one hand, I really want to do it. It would be nice to have a well paying career, a very stable job, doing something I enjoy doing, helping others and getting paid to do it. On the other hand, it's such a risk, and if it fails, I am screwed. Ugh.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
