Thursday, November 10, 2016

And now what?

November 7th, I went to bed feeling confident and happy.  We would have a woman for president, my daughter would grow up in a world where a woman could really be anything she wanted to be.  And then, November 8th happened and I am...what?  I don't even know what to say.  I've never cried about an election before, but I shed some tears over this one.  I don't think even I realized how important it was to me to have a woman in the Oval Office.  As much as my disappointment at the loss of that, for now, what contributed, at least equally if not more so, was what kind of person we did vote into that office.

In the coming days, I will try to keep an open mind about his presidency and it's possible success. But, for now, I mourn.  I mourn the loss of a woman in the highest office, and I mourn the level of hatred and divisiveness this man has represented.  His campaign was run on hate.  Hatred and disdain for women, for minorities, for immigrants, for the disabled, for LGBTQ people.  This is not the America I thought I lived in.  This is not the Utah I thought I lived in.  But, it's our own fault, in many ways.  Maybe we think that the average white, cis, straight American male needs to quit being such a baby about their loss of position, because the new social order is bringing them to the level of everyone else, and they don't like that.  While it's hard to sympathize with someone who has been at the top forever and now has to join the ranks, we shouldn't have dismissed them.  We did so to our detriment.

I am sick at what he represents.  I am sick that good, moral people could overlook his utter disdain and nastiness towards anyone who doesn't fit his mold.  I am sick that policy comes before people.  I sorrow to see the real fear in the eyes of my LGBTQ friends, and my Muslim friends and my marginalized friends of every sort.  I don't know what to say to my friends who have children with autism.

What do we do?  I know, we need to try and unify and heal the country, but what do you do when one half of the country's "moral" values are antithetical to one's own?  How do I come together with someone who thinks "gays" can be "cured" by conversion therapy?  Cured of what? Loving someone you don't approve of?  How do I meet someone in the middle who says healthcare is a luxury and if you can't afford it, well, sucks to be you?  How do I meet someone in the middle who thinks "grabbing pussy" is ok?  How do I compromise with someone who thinks the government can and worse SHOULD control what I do with my body?  With someone who thinks that the needy don't deserve to be cared for?

The outcome of this election seems so antithetical to the Christian values that many in this country claim to believe in, that I cannot grasp how this happened.  Except, that I can.  Because it's how things have been for a long time.  I thought they had gotten better than this, but I am sorry to learn they haven't.

So, I will grieve for what I thought was, and then I will find a way to compromise with people. I will find a way to meet them in the middle, to understand why they wanted this and to find our common goals.  I will try to remember that most people are basically good and just want to work things out to our mutual benefit.  But, I am afraid that that isn't what they want.  But, I will hope that it is.  And I will not accept bullying or cruelty or misogyny or sexism or xenophobia or bigotry.  And I will work harder for what I believe to be right and good. And I will hope that in four years, we have figured something out and learned our lesson and move forward to where I thought we were.

Saturday, January 9, 2016

Is This Love?

I've had a hard time writing lately.  Not just here on my blog, but even in my journal.  All I seem to be able to do is recite a litany of events and not much else.  And that is colossally boring.  But, I appear to have caught a small writing bug, incited by the prodding of my gentleman companion and by some reading and thinking I've been doing.

I've been reading Outlander.  I know, I know, it's a bit of cheap fiction with a huge and slightly silly fanbase, but it has some moments.  Aside from the romance and action and fantasy and violence, I think the author touches on some important points, or at least touches on things that make me think about important points.  The big one for me is love.  I'm not specifically talking about romantic love, although that is certainly the aspect that is explored most...fervently, shall we say?..in the novels, but many different types of love.  And, I've been wondering, is the kind of love she describes real?  Is it possible?  I know we all get our ideas of romantic love from Disney or the BBC or wherever, but where did that come from?  If it doesn't exist, why do we yearn for it and want it so?  Is this a good thing?

I had a difficult Christmas this year, for a variety of reasons.  The primary one being that I was alone Christmas Eve and Christmas Day (most of it).  I was disappointed and hurt by some events that had occurred earlier and was feeling decidedly lonely.  My little daughter, having spent the entirety of Christmas Eve day with me and my family down at my dad's, had gone to her dad's house for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, and the absence of loved ones, particularly one's own best loved one, makes Christmas damn depressing.  I was feeling sorry for myself and considering going to bed when I got a call from my dear friend, he being somewhat worried about me.  We talked for a bit about why I was upset and what I might do about it and one of the things he said was that it would get better, that I would get used to being alone and finding my own way and that it would be ok.

Now, here's the thing.  I don't know that I want to.  I mean, I DO, because crying in your bed from loneliness on Christmas is pathetic and I don't like it.  But, on the other hand, is learning not to need the company, the love, a companion what I want to do?  Would I be better off that way?  Is ANYONE better off that way?  Goodness knows, it's easier to be content by oneself, and for the most part, I am very content by myself.  I enjoy solitude.  I enjoy my own thoughts and activities.  To quote another friend, I'm great company, for myself and others.  But...is it altogether good to be so very emotionally self sufficient?  No, that's not right.  It is good to be emotionally self sufficient.  I'm not sure how to say what I mean.  I want to want companionship, but I also want to not be lonely, or,, I guess, be ok with being lonely?  Don't get me wrong, I'm not laying in my bed night after night crying with loneliness.  Nothing like that.  And I have people I love and who love me.  But, now, onto the real point of this post.

Love.  The real thing.  The abiding passion, as it were.  Is it real?  Does it exist in real life?  Is it possible to find a companion for whom you would do anything? And who would do the same for you?  Someone without whom you cannot envision yourself?  I don't know.  But, I think that if it is possible, you have to be a whole person, content with yourself, yet striving to grow, in order for that to happen.  The only experience I can relate that kind of love to is the way I feel about my daughter.  I was a whole person before she was born, but she is, literally and figuratively, part of me.  Without her, I am less that myself.  For her, I would do ANYTHING.  My heart is utterly bound to hers and the thought of any harm coming to her rouses the deepest emotion in me.  That whole cliche about rousing the mama bear is completely true and there is nothing I would not do to keep her safe. (Not a helicopter mom, though.)  I wonder if this feeling of overwhelming love, protection, adoration is possible between adult partners.  This "bone of my bone, and flesh of my flesh" feeling, does it exist outside of the mother/child bond?  I can't comment on the father/child bond, having not experienced it, and no doubt some of the difference is culturally instilled.  But, does this level of fierce love come mostly from having carried and given birth to her and now from caring for her?  Am I more attached to her because of the difficulty of the pregnancy and the near disaster of delivery?  Because it took such an enormous sacrifice,both physically and mentally, to get her here?  Can this kind of bond exist without those kinds of things?

I think it must exist, somewhere.  How could we imagine it, otherwise?  Why would we yearn and desire for such a deep connection with a partner if it weren't possible?

On many levels, I believe there are people who don't want that kind of connection.  It's difficult.  It's vulnerable.  It leaves you raw.  It requires so much work and sacrifice, and it has to be reciprocated.  In order to have that with another adult, you would have to open yourself up completely, all defenses down.  And there is an inordinate amount of trust required. Perhaps it isn't possible to trust another adult human that way.  A child will break your heart, a million times, but there is a large degree of leeway for them because they are children, without the understanding of the depth to which they can wound, and without the desire to wound as deeply as they do.  But, an adult can wound you deeply, purposefully, even without complete intimacy.  In a deeply intimate relationship, you are handing someone a knife, showing them how to bring you to the brink of death, and then trusting them not to do it.  And perhaps that is unwise.

Sunday, October 4, 2015

Migraines and Tears

I, like several people I know, am subject to migraines.  They go in phases, sometimes.  In a bad phase, I'll get one every week, sometimes more.  In a good phase, I'll get one once a month, though rarely less than that.  Migraines are evil.  They affect one's life in a myriad of ways and they are invisible.  I look perfectly healthy, and it's just a headache, right?  Except, it's not.  If you've never had a migraine, you can't know how debilitating they are.  They affect your vision, your digestion, your mental capabilities and your emotional well being.  I can't drive when I have a bad migraine. It's not that I can't see, it's that I can't see properly.  I no longer get migraines with aura, thank goodness. When I had those, I literally couldn't see.

I miss an unfortunate amount of work due to migraines.  Thankfully, I currently have a job with sick leave, so I don't lose money when I miss work.  But, I miss work.  And I hate that this affects my job. Because it is an invisible illness and because a headache doesn't seem like that big of a deal, it makes me look bad when I leave work or miss work due to a migraine.  It makes it look like I don't have much of a work ethic, when nothing could be further from the truth.  Because of this, there are days when I manage to get to work and stay there despite a migraine, but it isn't easy and I don't get a lot done.

Migraines can be socially embarrassing as well.  There's nothing like collapsing on your date's floor in tears of agony when one comes on like a bullet train.  Nothing like having to ask to be allowed to stay the night because driving home isn't a good option, especially when you know you are trespassing on their good will.  Today, I missed my SIL's performance, one she has been working on for months, because I had a migraine.  It's terrible.  I wanted to go, I wanted her to know I support her and am proud of her and I couldn't do it.

Here's something I don't think a lot of people know about migraines.  They can induce a profound depression.  I don't know if it has to do with blood flow in the brain or the being in intense pain for a protracted amount of time or the loss of control over life or what it is, but migraines send me (and many others) into depression.  We know we miss things, we know we don't perform like we should, we know we make unfair demands on our friends and family.  Those things hurt.  I recall one time after a particularly bad bout, I fell asleep on the chaise in my room and woke to find my little daughter (she was 3 or 4 at the time) sitting on me reading a book.  She had made me a little snack of salami and cheese and bread.  And I cried.  I cried because I should have been the one taking care of her and I failed.  And not only did I fail, she had picked up the slack for me as she could and was taking care of me.

So, there you go.  I'd say, show a little compassion for those that suffer, but most of my friends do, for which I am very grateful.  But, compassion or not, I still feel awful for getting them, for making unfair demands on my friends and family and for missing things I oughtn't to be missing.

Sunday, August 2, 2015

Stormy

It rained a few weeks ago.  Torrential rain.  Monsoon rain.  It was a prodigious rain.

I'd been having a massive anxiety attack that day, and anxiety attacks make me feel very raw.  In a way, they sort of reduce me to my bare bones self and all of the niceties with which civilization covers me are ripped away and I am left exposed.

There are a few...not remedies...but aids to getting through an anxiety attack for me, but they are not always convenient nor available.  One of them is to crawl in bed, bury myself in blankets and pillows and calming music and wait it out.  Another is running, partly because it takes a lot of energy and partly because it makes me feel like perhaps I can outpace it.  A third is to be wrapped up in the tight embrace of one I trust.  None of these were available to me, as I was at work, so I did what I normally do in that situation and shoved it down to be dealt with later.

Later came, and my intention was to go home, crawl in bed, bury myself and hopefully go to sleep. Anxiety is exhausting and pushing it down and trying to function properly at work is even more so.  I stopped by my dear friend's house to drop some things off, planning to leave shortly thereafter.  He convinced me to stay and have dinner and I knew I did need food, as I hadn't eaten properly that day. He wrapped me tightly in his arms afterwards, knowing I wasn't ok and as we talked about this and that, it slowly entered my consciousness that there was a raging storm going on outside.  Finally, I got up to look.

There it was, the rain.  I love rainstorms, especially thunderstorms.  Especially torrential thunderstorms.  They are raw and magnificent and beautiful and untamed.  (I don't like tornadoes, even though they are also raw and untamed, they are massively destructive)

I stood in the doorway watching the rain come down in sheets.  And the rawness I felt in me connected to the rawness I felt out there.  So, I stepped out into it.  It was, literally, breathtaking. The cold sting of the drops of rain, the quick, hard gusts of wind and the constantly rolling thunder stole the breath from me.  I was soaked to the skin within seconds, but I did not return to the house, I stepped out further into the tumult, daring it to take me, knowing it couldn't.  I wanted to join it, I wanted to be part of it, part of the chaos, part of the power.  I ran out into the road, which had become a river, the water swirling above my ankles.  The lightning flashed across the sky, not in bright branching slashes, but in sheets above the clouds, followed by low, chest rumbling growls of thunder.

The rain pounded me, the wind bit at me and I turned my face to the sky and laughed with sheer exhilaration.  It was glorious, being out in that, connecting to that power, knowing that I could return to the calm warmth of the house, that I could escape it should it get out of hand, that I could be victorious over the storm because in returning to the house, it could not get at me. (It got back at me for my hubris later with an exceptionally close lightning bolt and such a clap of thunder that I screamed in fright from my bastion of safety within the house). I stayed out in it for some time, splashing and playing and reveling in it.

I finally did go back in, teeth chattering, drenched and drained of my anxiety.  The wind had whipped it out of me, the rain had washed it away and I was free again to cloak myself in civilization... and a hot shower.


Friday, July 17, 2015

Strengthening the Family

So, I've gotten a bit of pushback from various sources about my post here, the primary pushback being that gay marriage can't strengthen families.

This does not make sense to me and no one can really explain to me how it weakens families or weakens marriage.  From my POV, it seems like it can only strengthen both.  A family that previously could not be legally bonded now can.  Seems stronger to me.

What is your opinion?

Wednesday, July 1, 2015

The Demise of the Traditional Family

What with the SCOTUS ruling last week about the legality of gay marriages, there's been a whole lot of brouhaha about the demise of the "traditional" family.  I've a few points to make on that family.

First off, I don't think that word means what you think it means.  In the minds of many religious conservatives, Mormons being the flavour I've most truck with, this means the demise of the mother/father/2.5 kids, who all love each other and live in a house with a white picket fence and a dog and a cat.  This is not reality.  This is also not history.

Historically, "traditional" has meant many things, but if you want to look at modern "traditional" Western European/American families, what traditional means is this.  A white male/white female bond, sometimes performed religiously, but always including state sanctioned benefits and rules.  A white male head of the family, effectively owning his wife and children, daughters continuing to be owned even after reaching adulthood, unless they marry and come under the ownership of their husband.  It meant women without any rights to property, money, safety, her person or her children except as her husband chooses to allow said rights to her.  It meant children with no rights of their own until reaching adulthood.  Well, male children come into their own rights when they reach adulthood, as I previously mentioned, female children never attain those rights.  If their male parent dies and they are unmarried and have no one to care for them, well, they are on their own.

Thankfully, we have progressed beyond this, to a certain extent.  Women and children here do have rights accorded by the state, although some conservative religions deny these rights and continue to keep women in submission to men.

In my own Mormon religious history, traditional and approved marriage meant polygamy.  One man and many women.  That's pretty recent, let's be honest.  We are awesome at redefining marriage, ourselves.  Can we fault others for attempting to do so?

Another point being made about the demise of the family is the rise of the me generation.  Millenials are supposedly fundamentally selfish, which, to a certain extent, many are.  But they are also some of the most UNSELFISH people to ever exist.  Part of the proof brought up to show their selfishness is the fact that the marriage rate is going down, and people are waiting longer to have children or not having children at all.

Now, I will agree that a good part of this is based on the morally downward path of our society, but I don't think that path comes from selfishness, gay marriage, more people choosing to live together, more hedonistic lifestyles, etc.  It comes from the moral downfall of our economy, which is, oddly, fully supported by the religious right.  I'm talking about the Koch brothers.  I'm talking about trickle-down economics (they don't work), I'm talking about corporate tax breaks, for profit healthcare, for profit insurance companies, the rise of inflation with no corresponding wage increases.  I'm talking about the fight against useful government aid, the fight against government regulations that prevent the morally corrupt from taking advantage of their employees.

This is where the demise of the stable family stems from.  If you can't afford YOURSELF when you get out of college completely buried in debt, how on earth can you afford a family?  The idea that if you are righteous and have a family like you are "supposed to" and God will take care of you is lovely and delightful, but it simply isn't true.  Righteous families go into bankruptcy and lose everything.  Righteous families rely on welfare.  Righteous families get sick and lose their livelihoods.  Righteous women get left behind by their provider and are expected to raise all those righteous children on their own.  And some manage it.  And some don't.

If you have health issues and can barely afford your own insurance and medical care, how can you possibly afford the health care costs of a family?

If you can't even manage to afford college and all that debt and therefore can't get a well paying job to begin with, because the minimum wage is a joke, how on earth can you afford a family?

If part of the demise of the traditional family is because we now have mostly two income families, why are there so few ways to make a single income family work?  And what happens when the single income has a problem and can no longer be relied on?  The non income earning half of that couple (the mother, if this is a traditional family) suddenly has to pick up and find a way to earn a living.  If she's been out of the workforce for some time, this is more difficult than you can possibly imagine.  I speak from experience, here.  I was a WAHM for most of 10 years.  I suddenly found myself needing to provide for myself and my daughter on my own, and while it was not difficult to find a job, because of my skills, those 10 years out of the workplace seriously reduced my ability to earn a livable wage. I was fortunate in my ability and opportunity to keep my skills sharp while being at home, but the hit I took on the wage front has been incredibly difficult.  And I only have one young child.  I cannot imagine the plight of those with more and those without a strong support network.

The prevailing economy has at least as much to do with the demise of the traditional family, and in my opinion, much more to do with it than the legalization of gay marriage or the immorality of millenials.  Something has to happen to make having a family a workable option.  The religious right has co-opted the family values platform, but abortion, gay marriage and pre-marital sex are not the culprits.  The inability to make a family life due to the lack of money or the dangers of losing one's livelihood because of health, divorce, etc, that's where the real problem lies.   If the family is supposed to be the social building block of society, why aren't we doing more to support that building block?  Allowing non-hetero people to marry only strengthens the family unit.  Allowing families to go bankrupt because of sickness weakens it.

Let's try and remember what our priorities are.

Wednesday, May 13, 2015

Who Cares, Anyway?

I really should blog more.  I enjoy writing and find it very cathartic.  But, I also find that a lot of the time when I write, I am angry or ragey about some unfairness or stupidity or what have you, and people don't like to read that so much.  So, I mostly write about that stuff in a private blog or in my journal.

I've been told to not worry about stuff and just focus on myself and my daughter, but I often can't let injustices slide without comment or fight.  That just perpetuates the injustice.  Even if my comments or actions don't change anything, at least I tried.  And, I have changed a few minds.  And had my own mind changed.