Sunday, October 27, 2013


I am not a star chaser.  I am not a romantic.  I am not the dreamer of impossible dreams.  I am a realist, a pragmatist, very likely, a pessimist.  I am not sustained by dreams and hopes, I am sustained by action.  I like to analyze, dig, learn. I am comforted by knowledge, solid knowledge.  I don't like hearsay or promises. Words mean little, actions mean much.

I think there are many people for whom dreams are enough.  Their lives may be ugly or unpleasant, but the dream of something better, the hope of something more is enough to sustain them, to keep them going in whatever sphere they have been placed.  When things get bad, they can look to this beautiful dream, they look up to the stars and they can think, someday, it will be better.  Someday, this dream will be mine.  And then they can carry on, endlessly, with infinite patience.

I do not understand this. I am not this way.  And because I am not this way, because I am a decision maker, I think my way is best. If I decide I want something, really want it, I go after it. I will weigh the pros and cons of getting it.  I will think through and decide if the costs of getting what I want are outweighed by the want itself.  If the pros outweigh the cons, if what I want is worth the cost, I will go after it.  If they don't, or it isn't, I will forget about it.  I will no longer hope for it or dream about it really.  My way is not best for some people, I know this.  But I do not understand.  I cannot live comfortably or happily with uncertainty, with hopes.  I have to have steps to achieve those hopes or they stop being hopes and become impossibilities and what is the point of impossibilities?

I like to know what I'm up against.  I don't like surprises and I don't like change.  I like to be able to rely on things, to know if I do x, y will happen.  I'm not an idiot.  I know that things happen that are out of my control, I hate it when they do, but I am aware of the likelihood of it happening.  And, when those things do happen, my reaction, after my initial freak out, is to figure out my new situation.  I want to know what happened, what caused it, how to fix it if possible, how to live with it if not.  How to solve the problems it brings with it, how to find the joy in it.  I dig, I seek, I learn.

The same applies to myself.  I want to know why I do things, why I think things, why I react in a certain way to this, that or the other.  And so, I dig within myself, because I need to understand.  Understanding is safety. It provides a solid base from which to move, it helps me curb my detrimental things and grow the good things.  I am not always successful, I freely admit this.  But, I try.

When I decide to do something, I come up with a plan.  If I do not have a plan, I feel like I am floating.  I don't like floating.  I need a tether, or preferably, firm ground beneath my feet.  I need security.  I don't always have it, and lately I don't have it at all, which makes me out of sorts and cross.  And so, I make plans.  How do I find security?  How do I put an end to it's absence?  How do I regain control of my life, my destiny, my future?  What do I need and why?  And then, hopefully, I will go after it.

This world, this life, is brittle and ugly and unpredictable and brutal.  But, it's also filled with joys and beauty and love.  I am going to find the ones I can have and go after them.  I'll ignore the rest.

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Well, dammit.

I'm a chatty person by nature. I like to talk.  And sometimes I do it incessantly, much to the dismay of those around me.  You should see me on percocet, it's ridiculous, I really cannot stop talking.
Anyway, there aren't that many people with whom I feel free to say whatever comes into my head, with whom I can hold the most random stream of conciousness conversations.  When you find someone like that, and that someone talks as much and the same way you do, it's delightful.
When I have someone like that, I don't post on my blog as much, because, let's be honest, this blog is an outlet of sorts.  It doesn't care what I say and if those reading get bored by, or don't like what I say, they can stop reading.  It's great.
And I am.  Because my chat buddy, my friend of words, has left me for the time being and I have much to say and no one to say them to.  I don't function well that way, hence the blog.

So, it's been a really lousy week, despite the fact that it is only Tuesday.  But, bad things come in threes, right?  So, hopefully I'm done with the bad things this week. That is if the first thing can be counted as a bad thing, which I'm not sure it can, because it doesn't really compare on any level to the other things.
So, here they are, in order of occurence.
Sunday afternoon my face swelled up a rather ridiculous amount.  And very suddenly.  It looked like I had a goiter on the side of my face.  Only one side swelled, fortunately.  It didn't hurt, it didn't itch, there was no bug bite, it just swelled up.  I assumed it was some freak allergic reaction and took a benadryl, which completely knocked me out for the day.  I'm a wuss when it comes to drugs.
Monday morning, I woke at three with a raging migraine.  I laid there for an hour or so, in too much pain to get out of bed and find my meds.  Finally, it eased a little bit for a moment and I got my meds and crawled back into bed.  The meds sort of worked, enough for me to eventually fall back to sleep, only to be awakened by my alarm an hour later.  Ugh.  So, I dragged myself out of bed, got the little one ready for school and then sent her off while I crawled back into bed for a while.  I slept until 10, at which point I got up to get ready and go to work.  On the way there, my face swelled up again, my head was still feeling like a sabre was digging out my eyeball and I was hammered, not to mention looking like a freak.  So, I went over to my mom's house.  So, ok, migraine, swollen face, missed work is bad #1.  It was ugly.

Bad #2, my friend and chat buddy is currently missing from my life and it leaves a big freaking hole, which I DO NOT LIKE.  Especially because...

Bad thing #3 has occurred and I want to talk to friend about it and can't.
What is bad #3 you ask?  I have to move out of my house.  Yep.  Sucky, and quite unexpected.  I won't go into the dirty details, suffice it to say I have to give up my lovely and beautiful abode and try and find something else. Small Daughter, naturally, is not happy about it.  I had her psyched up to move before, but that didn't happen and it took some time before she stopped being annoyed at me about it. Today, when I told her about moving, she was much displeased.  There were tears.  Not nice things were said to me.  She's angry and sad, I don't blame her, I feel much the same.
But, I found an adorable house not too far away that (mostly) fits within my price range, so here's hoping I can get it.  It's very old, adobe, high ceilings and has walnut trees.  All good things.  It's small and there isn't much storage, but it will do, and as I said, it isn't far away.  So, cross fingers for me and the girl, because I think I really want this house.

The idea of going from being a home owner to being a renter is a bit (no, a lot) unpleasant, but, there it is. It's reality, and reality kind of bites sometimes.  Fortunately, it is also sprinkled with some rather lovely bits inbetween the nasty ones.  I'm going to need rather a lot of lovely bits for the remainder of the year, God willing.

Hope and Glory?

Hope is a beautiful and necessary thing, but sometimes, what you need is guts and fearlessness.

I have dreams.  It's about time I chased some of them down.