Thursday, August 29, 2013


Yes, folks, it's getting to be that time of year again.  Maybe not for you, you people who don't have degrees in Costume Design, who don't build costumes for a living.  But for those of us that do and do, oh, yes, it's time to start thinking of what to do.

There are two people I make costumes for, without fail, every year.  My niece (who is now 16) and the Small Daughter.  The niece is easy to please, if it's beautiful, she likes it.  The Small Daughter, not so much. Man is she picky.  Niece decided to be the TARDIS this year, which is awesome.  Being the girly-girl cheerleader type that she is, she doesn't want to be a blue box.  Oh, no, she wants a TARDIS themed ball gown.  Bring it on.

The Small Daughter has also decided.  Rapunzel.  From Tangled.  BORING.  I tried to get her to go for Eleanor of Aquitaine.


Okay, how about Elizabeth I.

Again.  Vetoed.

Hmmm.  Anne Boleyn?

No way.  Well, drat the child and her dratted opinions.

Maybe something more...princess-y.  Because, you know, Eleanor of Aquitain et al aren't princess-y enough.  Srsly.

Ok.  Lady Amalthea?

No? Really?  Are you kidding me?  She's skinny, lanky, childish and has long blonde hair!  And a purple dress!  LOOK!  A PURPLE DRESS!  No?!?!

She wants Rapunzel.  And not some beautiful pre-Raphaelite Rapunzel, either.  She wants this. 


It's so embarrassing.  I mean, where did I go wrong?

Obviously, I'm going to take liberties.  If I'm lucky, she won't be able to tell the difference between Rapunzel and Lady Amalthea, right?  Ha.

Tuesday, August 27, 2013


Migraines are evil.  There's no two ways about it, they are pure evil.  I'm fairly certain the devil invented them.  I get them altogether too often and it's starting to affect my life.  Oh, who am I kidding, it isn't starting to affect my life,  it DOES affect it, in a very bad way.  I missed work yesterday because of one, at a time when I can ill afford to miss work.  Not only are things starting to get a bit busy, but I am running out of sick time, and I am sure it doesn't look good for me as an employee to keep missing work once or twice a month.  I'm not really sure what to do about it.  I've changed my diet, I exercise more often than I did.  I know I need to reduce the amount of stress I experience, but there isn't much I can do about that.  I have meds for said migraines, but they don't work as well as they used to and I am only allowed so many per month by my insurance company.  Hooray for American healthcare.  Apparently, according to Selecthealth, my migraines should magically limit themselves so I don't run out of meds before I'm allowed to get my next batch.

Anyway, I hate migraines.  They leave me sick and depressed and terribly tired.  They make me feel bad for Small Daughter because all I can do when I get one is lay in bed and wish someone would chop off my head. She is a sweet and lovely girl, and sadly, she is all too used to me with a migraine now and knows what to do.  Which is, go easy on Mamma, don't get in trouble, rub Mamma's head, keep quiet and try to take care of herself.  Don't get me wrong, when I have one, I do still manage to feed the child, etc.  But, she ends up watching far too much TV while parked next to me on the couch or bed.  Yesterday, I took her over to my mom's, as I was planning to go to work, but by the time I got to my mom's house, I was ready to throw up, so I just collapsed on the floor and my mom was kind enough to care for the child most of the day.  I'm counting my blessings in that regard.

I've got to find another option, however.  Things are getting to a point at work where I really can't miss a day unless someone is dying.  And, I don't want to miss a day, as it reflects poorly on me, and I like to think I am a responsible person.  I don't like slacking at work.

Last night, as is often the case, my head exploded.  It was really, really bad.  I took a shower and then laid down on the couch so I could keep an eye on the Small Daughter.  Eventually, her dad came home and took her downstairs for the evening and I passed out on the couch.  Sometime around 2 am, I finally managed to crawl into my own bed, after taking 4 ibuprofen and hoping for the best.  My alarm went off at 6:15, as usual, and I sat up and promptly laid back down.  Still there.  I took a migraine pill and went back to sleep until 7, at which point I felt ok.  So, I got up, started getting things ready for school, made Small Daughter's lunch, went into her room to get her clothes and was attacked by a wave of pain so bad that I just curled up on the floor for a while.  I finally recovered for a bit, got the child dressed and started to gather up all the things for school and work.  Another wave of pain hit and I sat down on the couch, then laid down, figuring it would pass.  It didn't.  Small Daughter came and laid down with me and we both fell asleep.  It felt so good.  She was laying on my chest with her head pressed into mine and the warmth and pressure helped the pain enormously, bless her.  We slept there for a good hour and I finally recovered and took her to school, an hour late.  Yeah, I'm lame like that.

But, the three days that my migraines last are up and I am fine again.  Until next time.

In other news, I had a fitting with a bride tonight, I am making her a custom dress.  She looked fabulous. Perfect.  Gorgeous.  I was so pleased, and even more pleased about how excited she was about how good she looked.  Hooray!

Sunday, August 25, 2013

Because I Knew You

I'm not a huge fan of Wicked, most of the music doesn't really do it for me. But, this song is lovely and this performance is even lovelier. Kristin Chenowyth was performing at the Hollywood Bowl and pulled this woman out of the audience. The result is quite joyful.

I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you...
Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good
It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made from what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend...
Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a skybird
In a distant wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
Because I knew you
I have been changed for good
And just to clear the air
I ask forgiveness
For the things I've done you blame me for
But then, I guess we know
There's blame to share
And none of it seems to matter anymore
Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a bird in the wood
Who can say if I've been
Changed for the better?
I do believe I have been
Changed for the better
And because I knew you...
Because I knew you...
Because I knew you...
I have been changed for good...

Friday, August 23, 2013

I want to think again of dangerous and noble things
I want to be light and frolicsome.
I want to be improbable, beautiful and afraid of nothing,
as though I had wings.
-Mary Oliver

Monday, August 19, 2013


School starts tomorrow.  I am so not ready.

We went to the store tonight to get some of the things she will need for school.  Like, you know, a backpack.  I mean, she does have a backpack, but it's huge and she isn't.  I hate the ginormous backpacks they make for little ones.  We bought a plain black one that I am going to make a new front for.  She wants an Eiffel Tower backpack with a matching lunch bag.

We didn't get home from the store until after 8.  Small Daughter has to be in bed by 9.  That sort of thing always screws with my evening.  I have other things I need to do as well, like exercise and alter some boots for a drag queen.  Her calves are too thin.  ;)

I'm really NOT prepared for the idea that Small Daughter will be a first grader, though.  Yikes.  How did that even happen?  I've had several people ask me lately if I was going to have any more children.  All things considered, that's highly unlikely.  I'm already getting too old right now.

She went to meet her teacher and see her classroom today.  My mom took her while I was at work. Fortunately, she loves her teacher and thought the classroom was cool.  Hopefully this means that there will be no tears in the morning.  At the moment, she is very excited about the prospect of a new school year at a new school.  I am praying that it remains this way.  Besides, I'll probably do enough crying for both of us.  I am such a baby when it comes to these kinds of things.

Sunday, August 18, 2013

There is not much worse than breaking your child's heart.

Oh, Do Shutup

Right now, I am looking about me, pondering the future and it is at this point that my life says to me

"Dear Tara, give up now.  You will die before you ever get back to London.  Your dreams are not going to happen.  Your life will be one endless drudge of trying to earn enough money while still being a proper mother."

To which I should like to reply.

"Dear Life, do shutup."

Is This Love?

"It was rather
beautiful; the way he
put her insecurities to
The way he dove into
her eyes and starved
all the fears
and tasted all the
dreams she kept
coiled beneath her

Christopher Poindexter

Saturday, August 17, 2013


It's been a long week.

We are in the famine stage at work right now, there is nothing going on and I basically only show up to get paid.  Dig about, find things that need to be done, that sort of thing.  In a week or two we are going to be absolutely buried with work, which is actually pretty ok with me.  It makes things go faster, the time pass better.   I like to be occupied.  But, it's a lot of work and it is not going to be easy switching between shows, trying to make sure that everything gets done.  I am very good at organizing things (though you wouldn't believe it to look at my house), and I kind of relish making things work smoothly and knowing I had a hand in it.  I am grateful for the fact that there isn't a lot going on right now, though, because I've had to go to the dentist multiple times, I have to take some time off for Small Daughter's school things, etc.  I'm not going to be able to take any time off come September, so I have to take care of things now.

Added to the work boring is, yes, the dentist visits.  I hate the dentist.  Hate.  I have unfortunate teeth anyway, so any visit to the dentist brings pain and high costs.  I have a new dentist, and I really like him, but ugh.  Having people poke around in my mouth, spending so much time numb and or bruised, etc, is not awesome.  Yesterday when I went in, they put me on the nitrous oxide and I don't know how long I was on it for, but I think it was too high.  I was completely gone.  And then I started throwing up.  Fortunately, they hadn't begun working on me yet.  So there I was, flat out, nitrous mask on, unable to open my eyes or do anything really, barfing in the dentist office.  The dental assistant had just come in and I freaked her out good. I managed to turn my head so I didn't barf on myself, but it was all happening in a weird slow motion for me. The dentist came in and the hygienist and they sat me up, got a trash can, removed the nitrous.  Apparently, I was ice cold and white as a sheet, so they covered me with a blanket, etc.  It only took about a minute for me to come round.  I hadn't eaten and I had taken my penicillin on an empty stomach (bad Tara), plus too much laughing gas and BAM.  It was extremely weird feeling, I have to say. The hygienist brought me some crackers and apple slices, all I needed was a juice box to complete it. They went ahead and did my procedure and then I left, but I had to sit in my car for a while afterward before I felt ok to drive home.

One interesting side effect that I have noticed about dental work and pain and too much medication is that it makes me depressed.  I think it is the complete lack of control over things.  I can't make the numbness go away faster.  I can't make my teeth stop being crappy.  I can't make the pain go away any faster.  And I just feel like crap afterward.  I'm a control freak and this sort of thing robs me of my control to a certain extent.  I don't like that at all.  Plus, there's just something about pain that is depressing.   I have a lovely friend who deals with chronic pain.  I don't know how she remains positive, but she does.  She's an amazing woman and when my life seems crappy, I realize if she can find happiness in hers, I can in mine.  I've tried to tell her how wonderful I think she is, but I'm not sure I get it across.  Because, she really is amazing.  In spite of her chronic illness, she is raising three beautiful girls who are beautiful spiritually as well as physically.  Yeah, she's awesome.

But, on the positive side, my brother lives 1/2 mile away from me, now.  His little daughter and Small Daughter love to play.  I've spent two evenings over there laughing my head off with brother, his wife and their teenage daughter.  I've discovered a new and very effective way to annoy brother.  All I have to do is join the teenager (she's 16) in fangirling.  She fangirls about One Direction, I fangirl about Benedict Cumberbatch.  It's very effective and drives him crazy.  Much hilarity ensues.  I love all of their kids but the teenager and I are particularly good friends.  I'm very happy they moved back.  I've been a bit lonely lately.

Thursday, August 15, 2013

I feel like throwing things.  Or kicking things.  Except kicking would hurt as I am only wearing very bare sandals, so my toes would take the brunt of whatever I kicked.  Which would be fine if I were kicking a pillow, but a pillow wouldn't be such a satisfactory thing to kick.  What I'd like to kick is a metal pail.  Down the hill.  So that it made a great clanking noise and irritated the neighbors.  I'd follow it up by throwing rocks at it, so they too would make a great clanking noise.  And also irritate the neighbors.  No, the neighbors haven't done anything, I just feel like being irritating.  Misery loves company and all that.

Now would be a good time to start some demo on the house.  I wouldn't mind taking a sledgehammer to a couple of closets that have annoyed me since I bought this house.  The problem with that is that I would be left with a giant mess to clean up and nowhere to hang my clothes because the resident handyman probably wouldn't have any time to finish the remodel.  Dammit.

We're trying to figure out a way to physically subdivide this house so that both of us can stay in it without stepping on each others toes or getting in each others way.  I think it's a good idea.  If there was a physical division of space, it would be like living in a duplex, but much cheaper for each of us than trying to maintain separate households.  Plus, Small Daughter would have easy access to both.  The problem is, whenever I get a clever idea like this, I want to start NOW.  I want to put things in motion, get it all moving and get it done.

Ok, the real problem is, I can't do a whole lot of it myself.  I haven't the expertise.  And the resident handyman works a lot.  As in, probably doesn't have time to do it right now.  So, where does that leave us? Not sure, really.  Except that it leaves me antsy and frustrated.  And wanting to kick things.

PS- Saw this quote the other day...

You cannot protect yourself from sadness without also protecting yourself from happiness.

Dammitall anyhow.  Yes, I want to have my cake and eat it too.

Wednesday, August 14, 2013

Happy Things

Despite all my downer-ish posts, there are indeed good things happening in my world.  Small Daughter is finally getting comfortable in a pool, learning to swim for real, thanks to the hard work and focus of her 12 year old cousin.  She has done more for her in the past two weeks than I have been able to do for the past two years.  It's awesome, and Small Daughter is SO very proud of herself.  And, I'm proud of her.

Also, I was able to get her into the elementary school I want her in, HALLELUJAH for that.  I haven't been terribly fond of the school within whose boundaries we reside, and I have heard good things about this new school.  Plus, it starts earlier than her old school, so I will be able to take her to school myself.  I am very, very pleased about this.  It took a lot of begging and pleading of my case to get them to let her in.

Thirdly, my older brother and his family moved back to my side of the lake, within about 1/2 mile of us and I am VERY pleased to have them back!  I've missed having them nearby for the three years they've been gone.  Plus, having my niece that close is very useful, as she likes money and I like paying her to clean my studio.

So, yeay!  Happy things are afoot!

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Well, Bless my Soul

Dear blog reading friends, all, what?  5 of you?  I am sorry I have been such a downer of late, but I am very grateful for your indulgence.  I'm trying to fight my way out of this mess/funk/whatever you want to call it, and blogging does help me do so.  It helps me hone in on things and it also show me that I do, indeed, have some lovely friends.

In an effort to "buck up, little camper" as it were, I attempted multiple times to post a hilarious video of the Small Daughter riding my exercise bike, but for some reason, silly blogger won't let me post it.  Dumb website.

Maybe I'll try it again, here.

This had me laughing like crazy, although I'm not sure why.  The second one I took is funnier, but as it took an hour to upload this one, and the other one is longer, I think I'll pass on that until I figure out a better way to upload.

Post Edit.  Stupid thing didn't work properly anyway.  It's acting like a damn gif.  Oh well.

Monday, August 12, 2013

I dreamed a dream...

Once upon a time, long, long ago...ok, not THAT long...there was a girl who had a goal.  And this goal was a good goal, and this girl was a clever girl.  Being a clever girl, she devised a plan to reach that goal.  She worked hard, stayed focused and achieved that goal.  Or goals, really.  There were several.  And then she achieved what she thought was sort of the ultimate goal.  And after that, she got lost...You see, after achieving that sort of ultimate goal, she wasn't really sure what to set goals for.  And more than that, her life was no longer her own and the achieving of said goals wasn't really up to her anymore.  And she wasn't really sure what to do.

When I was young, I knew what I wanted.  I mean, I KNEW, and there wasn't going to be much that could dissuade me from achieving what I wanted.  When I was in early high school, I had long term goals, mid term goals and short term goals.  All to achieve what I wanted out of life.  I knew I wanted to have a good job and be able to earn a living doing something I wanted to do.  And I knew the way to achieve that was to go to college.  And I knew the way to get into college was to get a scholarship (my parents would not be able to pay for my education, I had always known that).  And I knew the way to get a scholarship was to get good grades in school.  And I knew the way to get good grades in school was to do my homework and kill the tests.  So that's what I did.  I worked hard in high school, did my work, got into the advanced classes, sailed through the AP tests to earn college credit, did the extracurricular stuff and WHAMMO.  I got what I wanted.  Good grades, which got me accepted to good schools, and yes, a scholarship at one of them.  So, off I went to jolly old BYU.  I couldn't afford any of the other schools that I had been accepted to, dang it, because a couple of them were pretty posh.

During my high school years, there was a lot of stress and unpleasant things that happened in my life, but I wasn't going to let those things get in the way of WHAT I WANTED.  Granted, due to circumstances beyond my control, I did have to put college off a year to work, but I had earned enough credit in high school to skip my freshman year, so it wasn't a big deal.

So, I went to college, and I aced college and when I graduated, I had a job waiting for me.  And when I got fed up with that job, there was another job waiting for me.  And when I started to get tired of that job, there was my dream job waiting for me.  And I went for it.  It wasn't luck that led to me having these jobs waiting for me.  At least not completely.  It was because I was GOOD at what I did.  I worked hard, I put in the time, I developed the necessary skills (and the God given talent I had) and I got those jobs based on merit.  I was the one for the job.

So, yeah, solidly set goals and a serious determination got me what I wanted.  I was determined to not let any setbacks prevent me from achieving those goals.  And there were setbacks, let me tell you.  There were major things that got in my way, that could have prevented me from achieving my goals, but I didn't let them.

Along the way to the major goal, I had some bucket list type things I wanted to do.  And I did them.  I wanted to spend some time in London.  So I did, with some very good friends in a fabulous little flat.  I shared a rickety bunkbed with another girl in a long narrow room which housed one other girl as well.  We had minimal storage space, no private space, the tiniest kitchen ever and it was glorious.  Best time of my life.
I wanted to work in various and sundry theatres in the US.  And I did.  I wanted to be a designer for a bridal company, and I was.  I wanted to create beautiful things, and I did.  It was awesome.  I look back on my college years and the years just following and they were fantastic.  Wonderful.  Perfect.  Even with all the issues and problems that occurred.  I made, and still have, some amazing, beautiful friends from that time in my life.

Then, after working and having a great time for a few years, I got married.  Getting married was only sort of loosely on my goal list.  I wasn't really sure that I wanted to do it.  My parents had gotten divorced my senior year of high school and the parents of two of my BFF's were divorced and those that weren't, most of them had troubled marriages.  It didn't look good to me and wasn't something I really wanted.  I certainly didn't want to do it when I was younger, but as I got older I realized that maybe I did.  And, eventually, I went ahead and got married.  

Fast forward 5 years and I achieved my biggest goal, which was to have a child.  It wasn't easy, in fact, it was damn hard and nearly killed me (literally).  But that's another story.  She was worth every bit of it, though, the Small Daughter.  She is a treasure and the absolute light of my life.  (And is sitting here next to me with the raddest Heather Locklear hair, ever)

And then, I thought I had achieved it.  I had college, England, job, marriage, baby.  All that was left was to live my life.  Which I did.  And then a few years ago, it all went belly up.  Big time.  And I wasn't sure what to do.  And I tried to regain control of things and it didn't work.  And then last year, my marriage went belly up.  And I have been trying to regain control of things ever since.  And I am doing a lousy job of it. Sometime between having a baby and losing my marriage, I lost my ability, talent, drive, whatever, to achieve the goals, or to even set them, really.  I'm sort of adrift in things right now.  I don't even know what goals to set.  What do I want to be?  Who do I want to be?  What do I want to do?  I have a job, but that is all it is, a job.  It isn't a career, I will never make a good living at it.  Do I want to switch?  Should I switch?  I know what I want, big picture-wise.  I want to have enough money to properly raise my daughter.  I want to be the one to raise her.  And I still have yet to figure out how to achieve that.  I want to get out of this...funk, I am in.  I am swimming through a very thick cloud and I can't seem to find my way out.  Or find the determination to do so.

Well Good Grief

It has been a hell of a week.  I got dropped by one of my closest friends, my house is an unmitigated disaster, I had my wisdom teeth out and then got told by my live in nephew that he is embarrassed by my house. Oh, not to mention the fact that Small Daughter has brought to my attention how skinny she is compared to how chubby I am. (I try not to react, I don't want her thinking one is better than the other, even though I want to be thinner)  At the moment, I kind of feel like I don't know which way is up.  I don't know where Small Daughter will be going to school.  I don't know how I am going to manage to get everything done that will need to be done at work,  as well as find time to keep my house clean, make meals and take care of the most important thing in my life, which is the Small Daughter.

I know I shouldn't complain.  Everyone's life is busy, everyone has their certain trials, and heaven knows, I'd rather have mine than others.  But, since I no longer have someone to vent to on a regular basis (goodness, I was spoiled) I'm going to vent here.  The beauty of venting on my blog is that the reader can stop reading at any time.  Unlike venting to a person, who, if they are kind, don't usually cut me off mid vent.  I feel that I am probably overwhelming sometimes with my venting, my talking, my opinions.  Because there is a lot of all of it.

I think my biggest issue is the feeling that I have lost control of my life.  My house is out of control and messy.  I have no control over the schedule at work, although I have to make sure things get done in time, I have lost control of my physical self and gotten heavier than I have ever been before.  I need control.  I am a bit of a control freak, I admit it.  But, I am SO very tired that sometimes I feel like trying to wrest control of my life back from the chaos might take more effort than I can expend.  On the other hand, if I DON'T regain control of my life, I will continue to feel exhausted and it will probably get worse.

So, I don't know.  I guess I just need to suck it up, push through, get things back together the way they should be and hope for the best, right?  A life of chaos isn't much of a life, anyway.

Sunday, August 11, 2013

An Island

This, people.  This.

I've built walls, 
A fortress deep and mighty, 
That none may penetrate. 
I have no need of friendship; friendship causes pain. 
It's laughter and it's loving I disdain. 
I am a rock, 
I am an island. 

Don't talk of love, 
But I've heard the words before; 
It's sleeping in my memory. 
I won't disturb the slumber of feelings that have died. 
If I never loved I never would have cried. 
I am a rock, 
I am an island. 

I have my books 
And my poetry to protect me; 
I am shielded in my armor, 
Hiding in my room, safe within my womb. 
I touch no one and no one touches me. 
I am a rock, 
I am an island. 

And a rock feels no pain; 
And an island never cries.

Sometimes, caring about people, letting them in, allowing them into your heart is shit. They're just going to stomp on it anyway.  I'm so damn tired.

Saturday, August 10, 2013


I'm sitting on the floor in my "studio" (really, the other end of a very long and narrow front room) listening to the littles as they watch Wallace and Grommit, their laughs and giggles and gasps punctuating the plot of the movie.  I should be cleaning, sorting, etc.  I've vacuumed up enough dog and cat hair to make another whole animal, the amount of dust and lint is rather appalling.  My mouth is sore, but certainly not as bad as I had expected it to be, thank goodness.

My mind is a bit spastic today, hopping from one thing to another.  As I cleared the stuff off the piano, I thought, perhaps I should post this on KSL and get it out of my house finally.  As I vacuumed the dog hair off the floor, I thought, I need to check the price on pine flooring and see if I can get some at a decent price and if I can, can I make it match the flooring that is in the studio?  I want some grapes.  Maybe I should write a blog post.  I wonder if the kids want popcorn.  And on and on.  Sometimes I think my mind would like me to anything but clean.  Because, obviously, I am not cleaning right now.  Blog post, yay!

It's hot and a bit muggy outside.  I wish it would just storm.  One of those dark, loud, banging storms, strobing with lightning.  I love it when the thunder is so big and loud that it shakes the house, but I remain cozy and safe behind my walls.  When I am cranky or wound up, a storm always makes me feel better.  As if the weather is responding to my mood and doing my yelling and fighting for me.  I like to curl up on my chaise in my window and watch it rage, and then I don't feel so like raging myself.

The past little while, I've felt more like raging than usual.  I've resisted, mostly, but only because I have to.  I've no one to rage at anyway, not really.  Small Daughter doesn't deserve it or understand it.  Teenage boy would probably just be scared of it.  Mike has had enough of it to last him three lifetimes.  Instead I knit furiously or scream into my pillow.  Alas, though, my pillow, while absorbing the raging quite well, doesn't ever respond and is, therefore, a less than stellar partner.  Venting to a pillow does have it's limits.

Fear not, though.  I am ok.  Just...ragey.  I'm working on being satisfied with the lot that is my life.  And I am reminded that it could be worse.  Of course, the fact that it COULD be worse, doesn't necessarily make this better, as it could also be better.  But, it will get better, somehow.  Either I'll get a raise, get offered a job closer to home with more money or Small Daughter will simply grow up and not need me quite so much anymore.  Then I won't feel actively guilty about not being around so much, right? Right?

Yep, I'm rambly.  Apologies.

Friday, August 9, 2013

Cranky Mamma

I had two of my wisdom teeth pulled today.  I know, I know, why now?  Who gets their wisdom teeth pulled at age 38?  Me, that's who.  And, ow, by the way.  I am sore and cranky.  I had to have the top two removed because they have been causing some problems with my jaw for a long time and the dentist thinks they may have been contributing to my migraines.  So, hallelujah if that's the case.  I could stand to have my migraines ease up.  Fortunately, said dentist doesn't think the bottom two wisdom teeth are causing any problems, which is good because they are completely encased in bone and it would be a beast to get them out.  The top two weren't horrible.  Well, not yet anyway.

So, being the sort of person that I am, busy and whatnot, I didn't think to clean my house before I had them done, because, you see, I clean on the weekends.  I wasn't really being the thinking ahead sort of person this week.   It happens.  Anyhow, so, got the wisdom teeth pulled, then went over to my mom's for a bit to lie down.  Small Daughter was over there being babysat, and it was easier to crash there than to try and bring her home and crash.  Besides, niece was over there, too, so it gave someone for Small Daughter to play with.

So, knowing my house was rather untidy, I wasn't looking forward to coming home.  Mike had removed the faucet in the kitchen earlier this week because it was right nasty and making our water smell and taste dreadful, but he hadn't had a chance to get a new one on.  I asked him to please make sure that got done before he went out of town, because the kitchen was starting to smell, due to the dirty dishes.  He texted to let me know he had gotten the faucet replaced and that the Boy was cleaning the kitchen.  (We have a 17 year old living with us now, in case you didn't know.  Nephew of Mike.)  So, I was looking forward to at least having a tidy kitchen, because I'm not supposed to do anything for the next couple of days.

Well, guess what?  Kitchen not clean.  Grr.  Sore mamma, angry mamma.  Face is puffy, kitchen smells, front room is a disaster, bedroom a bit of a mess.  We won't even talk about my studio, the nursery or the bathroom.  So, I popped a couple of ibuprofen and set to work.  Lame, I know, I lived with it messy all week, why did I care now?  Well, when I am in pain or upset or angry, I cannot abide a mess.  It just adds to the overall frustration and displeasure.  Knowing that I am going to be in pain all weekend, I can't just leave the disaster as it is.  So, yeah.  Kitchen is tidy (not clean, though).  Front room is tidied and vacuumed.  Bed is remade, laundry put mostly away.  There's still a basket to go, but I gave in.  I may regret this in the morning.

Why not take something stronger than Ibuprofen, you ask?  Being high on LorTab doesn't go well with having a Small Daughter to keep an eye on.  So, Ibuprofen and Tylenol during the day, blessed LorTab at night.  Wish me luck!  If it swells up amusingly, I'll post a pic.  Right now I can't tell if it's swollen or if that's just my regular facial chub.

Thursday, August 8, 2013

Working hard or hardly working?

So, this being a working mum thing is not super awesome.  Don't get me wrong, I am very grateful to have a job I mostly enjoy that has health benefits.  I know those are hard to come by these days.  But, having been a (mostly) WAHM for the past 9 years, this full time work, long commute gig is hard.  And yes, I know Small Daughter is only 6.  Previous to her, I had my wee nephew full time at home while I worked.

Now, please understand, while I am lazy in many ways, I do enjoy working.  I enjoy the challenges that come in my line of work,  I enjoy creating things and I enjoy getting paid for it.  But, I also enjoy being home with my daughter, seeing how she grows and changes, letting her sit in my lap while I sew, or watch her copy me by draping dresses on her child size mannequin.  I enjoy her chatter, I like to know what she is doing and how she likes to do it.  And, you know what?  Those things are hard to accomplish when I leave for work at 7:30 am before she is even awake and I get home at 6 or later.  That doesn't leave much time for interacting with her, especially when I still have to take care of dinner and attempt to tidy up the house, maybe do some laundry.

This is the first summer that I have had to work full time away from home and I feel like I missed it.  We didn't do ANYTHING.  We didn't make it to the waterpark, didn't go on any trips, only went to the pool a few times.  It's disappointing and, of course, makes me feel like I am not the best mother that ever lived. 

There are too many things to worry about when one has to work full time.  Where do I put her in daycare?  If I put her in daycare, will that change where she has to go to school?  How do I choose the right school and will they even let me put her in said school?  Am I making enough money to pay for daycare?  If I have a family member care for her, will it cost any less and will I be overburdening them? 

I think it is probably a bit easier if one is making a decent amount of money at one's job.  It makes it a bit easier to choose a school, one can put the child in a good private school.  One can be more discerning when choosing daycare.  One doesn't have to worry so much about taking a day off here and there to take care of said child because, well, vacation, sick days and less of a need for that day's paycheck.

The thing is, I make an ok amount.  There are a lot of people who have to survive on less, and I honestly don't know how they do it.  Well, I expect they experience a lot of stress.  I experience a lot of stress just thinking about it.

Truth be told, I'm probably fussing about nothing.  I want what I want.  Which is to make enough money working part time to support my daughter decently, so that I also have time to, you know, RAISE her, myself.  She's my daughter, I want to be the one to help her grow up.

Tuesday, August 6, 2013

Loneliness or Solitude

Alone, lonely, solitary, solo, abandoned, individual, forsaken.  There are sundry words to describe it, to use for it, but they all mean something slightly different.  Which one am I?  It varies from day to day, I think.  Some days I am solitary, but not lonely.  Some days I am lonely.  Somedays, today, I feel a bit abandoned.  Forsaken.

12 years ago I was happily alone.  I was not completely solitary, I had roommates, friends, etc.  But I was ok alone.  I was happy alone.  I was GOOD at alone.  It was my life and I could live it the way I wanted to.

Fast forward to now.  I don't know how to be alone anymore.  11 years with a companion can do that to you.  You get used to their presence.  Heck, one year with a companion can do that to you, especially if that companion shares your heart.  You start to rely on them, not for anything specific, but for the fact that they are there.  Someone to talk to, someone who cares what went on in your day, someone to tell about your obnoxious visit to the dentist or the crazy actor you had to fit that day.  Someone you want to hear.  For their voice as much as anything they might say.  Someone with whom you fit.  Easy, comfortable, comforting.

And then?  It goes away.  The bond is broken or the person leaves.  And you are left with...what?  Loneliness.  It isn't the same as solitude.  I like solitude.  I don't like loneliness.

“How we need another soul to cling to.”
Sylvia Plath

Language... has created the word "loneliness" to express the pain of being alone.  And it has created the word "solitude" to express the glory of being alone.  ~Paul Johannes Tillich, The Eternal Now
Loneliness can be conquered only by those who can bear solitude.  ~Paul Tillich