Oh Dear Lord, What HAVE I Done?

Massive changes afoot, y'all.  MASSIVE.  And, of course, me being the type of person that I am, I hate them.  I hate change.  Ok, maybe not hate.  No, yes, HATE.  Even when it leads to better things, I still don't like it.  I am, by nature, an anxious sort of person.  I require stability, in all things, to function at my best.  So, of course, fate has seen fit to force me to grow by allowing all sorts of instability into my life at random moments.  Oh, you like financial stability?  Well, hold please, let me take that all away and drop you into poverty.  You like a stable home situation?  Hang on!  I'll have you move 3 times in 2 years!!!  You like the stability of your career? Ha!  Not enough money to live on that way!  Try something new.

So.  Here I am, trying something new.  I don't like it.  New and me, we don't get along so well.  Not that I don't ever try anything new, I do, because I'm gutsy like that.  :/  But, you know, I prefer to have more control over it and I prefer that it is something lovely, like a new country in Europe or a delicious new food.  Not upending my entire life, which is what I have done.

Here's the thing.  I love my career.  It's been glorious and difficult and rewarding and frustrating and I've met some amazing people and done beautiful things.  I don't want to leave it.  But, things being what they are (arts and jobs traditionally held by women DON'T PAY) I have to leave it.  I have a daughter (and now, a niece) to care for, besides myself, and I don't want them living with next to nothing.  I want to take my daughter to Europe, but more importantly, I want to have a home for me and my girls.  I want to be able to afford to pay my mortgage and fix my car and buy my kid clothes at the mall, rather than rely on hand me downs and the thrift store to clothe her.  Not that I wouldn't still shop at the thrift store, because AWESOME, but, you get my drift.  I want to be able to go to the doctor and not have to worry that it's going to ruin me.  I want to finish getting my (terrible) teeth fixed so I don't walk around looking like an idiot.  In my current career, in my current location, those things are out of my reach, so I have to change things.

But I don't WANT TO.

I love where I am at, career wise.  I am good at my job.  I mean, GOOD.  I rarely have to look for work, it finds me.  I have designers that I always want to work with, and who want to work with me.  We have a relationship that makes working with them so easy.  I love to make beautiful things.  I love to make people look beautiful.  I don't care what shape they are, I just like to make them look amazing in their costume.  (Yeah, I don't really love making the ugly stuff, but sometimes it's what a character needs). 

I have worked in every position in a costume shop and I love them all, though my absolute favorite is cutter/draper, which is what I have been for the longest.  I started at the bottom of the ladder and worked my way all the way up, then dropped back down a rung or two to where I wanted to be.  I have been a stitcher, a first hand, a jr. draper, a tailor, a craftsperson, a milliner, wardrobe, wardrobe manager, makeup artist, hair stylist, wig stylist, teacher, shop manager and, of course, cutter/draper.  I have worked in community theatre, school theatre, summer stock theatre, professional theatre, opera, ballet, tv, film.  All of it.  And I love it.  It's what I do.  It's absolutely delightful to walk into a space, no matter where, and know where you belong and that you know how to do your job  It's wonderful to DO the job, and do it well and watch a team and a show all come together.  I know what it is like to work in a perfectly synergistic workplace and it is incredible.  I know what it's like to work in one that isn't and it's hard, but you still manage to do the work.  I have never, in 25 years of doing this, had a show I was in charge of not be ready by dress rehearsal.  I am proud of what I've done.  And now, I have to let it go.

Nursing school.  That's where I'm at.  Weird, I know.   You would be surprised by the number of people who have done both medicine and theatre.  A lot of the skills you use in theatre do translate to the medical field, particularly as a costumer.  How?  Let me tell you.

As a costume person, you are up close and intimate with performers in their most vulnerable state.  Not only do they often strip themselves down to their souls to perform a role, but they also strip down physically.  So, when you are fitting someone in a costume, you are sometimes dealing intimately with someone who is naked emotionally and physically.  It's important to have their confidence, because what you do in that fitting, how you dress them, how you treat them, how they perceive YOU perceiving them, makes a difference.  Nursing is similar.

As a cutter/draper, I am responsible for the flow of the build.  What needs to be done first and how quickly and who should do it and are all the parts there and is it what the designer really wants and needs?  Oh, I love that part.  When I get a show and have the renderings and the cast and I know who my team is and how long the build is, it all just unspools in my head, and I know how to plan it out, how to structure the build, where to account for excess time in case of emergency (there is always an emergency), who to assign to what project, where fittings need to come in, all of it.  And, let me tell you, when you have a good shop manager who does the scheduling and chases people and money and fabric down, it is AMAZING.  It's my job to make all of the patterns, primarily for the women, cut the costumes out, instruct the stitchers on how to build them, fit the performer in them and then see that they are finished according to the designer's desires.  And I do it well.    As a nurse, I know all of this organizational ability will come in handy, in fact, it's very important to doing the job effectively.  So, I've got some good background.  Also, I love science, so there's that.

I also have a need to help people.  That has bitten me in the butt, overall, I think, because I have put other people's needs and desires well ahead of my own and that has significantly impacted my earning ability.  I could list a number of choices I made that benefited the other person overall, but didn't do much for me, career-wise.  In hindsight, I would likely make the same choices again, because I can't bear to see people suffer when I know I can help, but it still may not have been the wisest choice and I am paying for it now.  Granted, I do have close relationships that I would not have had I not done that, and I treasure those.  But, yeah.  Sometimes, it is better to think about oneself.  Once in a while.  :)

This need to help people, my ability to be empathetic, to be professional and calm in awkward or emergency circumstances and my ability to organize a team and a schedule, all these are what led me to decide on nursing.  Granted, I will never be rich doing this.  Yes, some nurses make quite a lot of money, but they start younger than I did and have time to build up to that.  But, nursing pays well enough that I hope (fingers crossed) to make enough money to actually live well above the poverty line.  To own a home, or at least, afford rent.  To not stress so much about my car.  To afford medical bills.  To take my girls on vacation.  I know, first world problems, but I live in the first world, so I'd like to do it a bit better.

So, there you go.  I'm nervous as hell, not because I don't think I can do it, I know I can, but because I'm worried that the sacrifice won't be worth it.  We will be living WELL below the poverty line while I am in school.  I will have student loans to pay off when I get out of school. I will have to rely on other people (niece, mom, stepdad) more than I like. It's a time suck and means I don't get to be as involved with my girls as I'd like and as they are used to.  So, send a prayer or two up for us.  We'll need it.