Saturday, October 25, 2014

Love or Bust...usually bust.

I went out with a friend and former lover last night.  We had a lovely dinner, went to the symphony...and talked...and talked...and talked.  Until 3 in the morning.  It was delightful, soul filling, aggravating and raw.  I love that kind of thing.  I love rawness and openness and honesty in relationships.  I love those kinds of friends or lovers who see into your soul and not just like what they see there, but crave it.  One doesn't come upon them very often, so when they do come along, I have a tendency to grasp them and hang on.

But, it isn't just that they crave what is within you, because that isn't enough.  You have to crave them in the same way.  There are things about them that hurt you, anger you, make you grit your teeth with frustration.  Because that's what these people do, they arouse great passions in you, and you in them. But, the good parts?  Oh, they are so good, they are so worth it.  Because they do arouse great passion.  They hurt you, but they are the balm to your soul.  They anger you, but fill you with such joy, they make you grit your teeth in frustration, but provide such satisfaction.

Relationships like this are often rocky, seemingly unstable, but once firmly established, the rockiness provides texture and the instability goes away.  Because you know no matter how angry they make you, no matter how they may hurt you (usually inadvertently), you know they love you and you them. You know that your souls belong together and that they will forgive you and you will forgive them and they will love you.

When you have a friend or lover like this, someone who sees into your soul, someone you allow into your inner keep, they have a great capacity to wound and hurt, because by inviting them in, you have handed them a knife, removed your armour, showed them your most vulnerable spots and trusted them to not stab or cut you.  But sometimes, they do cut you, though not often on purpose.

I love him because he challenges me. I love him because he makes me rethink what I have thought.  I love him because he loves humanity.  I love him because he is raw and honest and broken, but he continues to love. I love him because he makes me more me, by virtue of being him.

I love him because he is my friend.

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