Monday, September 16, 2013

Third Time's a Charm

I keep trying to write a post, but they keep coming out muddled and far too raw.  I don't mind a certain level of exposure here, obviously, since I blog, but I'm having a hard time keeping that level down.

I turn 39 tomorrow.  I'm old.  Ask any 19 year old.  I don't feel old, really.  I don't feel as old as 39 was when I was 19. Part of that is probably my young daughter.  I'm old enough to have an adult child, but I don't.  I have a very young one.  My BFF is a couple of years older than me and her kids are younger even than mine.  And, I don't think we act our age when we are together...We've been friends since I was 19 and I don't think the dynamic between us has changed much since then.  How can I possibly be nearly 40 when I still stay up too late with her, howling with laughter the same way we did 20 years ago?

At 19, I thought 39 would be vastly different.  I thought I would be solidly married,  2 or 3 kids, nice house, part time job doing wedding gowns in my own studio, husband earning a solid living.  Instead I am divorced (nearly), 1 child, no house of my own, working full time at a job that doesn't pay enough.  Sigh. Being a grown up sucks sometimes, I admit.  It has it's ups, but it some hella bad downs, too.

So, since I can't manage to say it myself, this says it for me.

After a while you learn
The subtle difference between
Holding a hand and chaining a soul
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
And company doesn't always mean security.

And you begin to learn
That kisses aren't contracts
And presents aren't promises
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes ahead
With the grace of a woman
Not the grief of a child

And you learn
To build all your roads on today
Because tomorrow's ground is
Too uncertain for plans
And futures have a way
Of falling down in mid-flight

After a while you learn
That even sunshine burns if you get too much
So you plant your own garden
And decorate your own soul
Instead of waiting
For someone to bring you flowers

And you learn
That you really can endure
That you are really strong
And that you really do have worth
And you learn and you learn
With every goodbye you learn

Veronica A.Shoffstall

So, yeah.  Happy Birthday to me.

1 comment:

Adam said...

I'm still almost a year older than you, love. So, you know, at least there's that. ;)

Happy birthday. May life surprise you with flowers that you didn't grow by yourself.