Sunday, October 27, 2013


I am not a star chaser.  I am not a romantic.  I am not the dreamer of impossible dreams.  I am a realist, a pragmatist, very likely, a pessimist.  I am not sustained by dreams and hopes, I am sustained by action.  I like to analyze, dig, learn. I am comforted by knowledge, solid knowledge.  I don't like hearsay or promises. Words mean little, actions mean much.

I think there are many people for whom dreams are enough.  Their lives may be ugly or unpleasant, but the dream of something better, the hope of something more is enough to sustain them, to keep them going in whatever sphere they have been placed.  When things get bad, they can look to this beautiful dream, they look up to the stars and they can think, someday, it will be better.  Someday, this dream will be mine.  And then they can carry on, endlessly, with infinite patience.

I do not understand this. I am not this way.  And because I am not this way, because I am a decision maker, I think my way is best. If I decide I want something, really want it, I go after it. I will weigh the pros and cons of getting it.  I will think through and decide if the costs of getting what I want are outweighed by the want itself.  If the pros outweigh the cons, if what I want is worth the cost, I will go after it.  If they don't, or it isn't, I will forget about it.  I will no longer hope for it or dream about it really.  My way is not best for some people, I know this.  But I do not understand.  I cannot live comfortably or happily with uncertainty, with hopes.  I have to have steps to achieve those hopes or they stop being hopes and become impossibilities and what is the point of impossibilities?

I like to know what I'm up against.  I don't like surprises and I don't like change.  I like to be able to rely on things, to know if I do x, y will happen.  I'm not an idiot.  I know that things happen that are out of my control, I hate it when they do, but I am aware of the likelihood of it happening.  And, when those things do happen, my reaction, after my initial freak out, is to figure out my new situation.  I want to know what happened, what caused it, how to fix it if possible, how to live with it if not.  How to solve the problems it brings with it, how to find the joy in it.  I dig, I seek, I learn.

The same applies to myself.  I want to know why I do things, why I think things, why I react in a certain way to this, that or the other.  And so, I dig within myself, because I need to understand.  Understanding is safety. It provides a solid base from which to move, it helps me curb my detrimental things and grow the good things.  I am not always successful, I freely admit this.  But, I try.

When I decide to do something, I come up with a plan.  If I do not have a plan, I feel like I am floating.  I don't like floating.  I need a tether, or preferably, firm ground beneath my feet.  I need security.  I don't always have it, and lately I don't have it at all, which makes me out of sorts and cross.  And so, I make plans.  How do I find security?  How do I put an end to it's absence?  How do I regain control of my life, my destiny, my future?  What do I need and why?  And then, hopefully, I will go after it.

This world, this life, is brittle and ugly and unpredictable and brutal.  But, it's also filled with joys and beauty and love.  I am going to find the ones I can have and go after them.  I'll ignore the rest.

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